Earlier I was blasting some Mandalay songs while I was downstairs, I looked at some boxes that we were going to pack away (I'm home alone right now, so I was bored) and I saw some boxes marked, "Beves photos" (Beverly is my real mothers name) so I opened them up and found 3 photo books. I grabbed them all and went back upstairs and began to flip through them.

I guess my parents went on a road trip to a whole bunch of places. They went in this old fashioned van (I wanna say "hippie love train" but that would be stereotyping, haha) and I saw some photos of my mother.. one that stood out to me was one of her sitting by a waterfall. She was so radiant and beautiful. Some others that really made me smile were the family photos. I saw some of my grandma and grandpa actually kissing, I've never seen them kiss! They don't even act like they're married anymore, its more like they're friends. But I saw some photos of her with Zach when he was born .. and I began to cry. I don't like to say that, cause I mean, it was my brother, but seeing them together. Something I've never seen before.

There were a lot of photos with my mother, but in those three photo books I wasn't born yet (in the timeline) .. I'm going to go look through the other box after I'm done with this entry. But now I just feel really sad. The fact that she was so beautiful and radiant with my father.. I've never seen them together.. we were all so happy. Or they were all so happy, I wasn't born yet.

I just want my mother back. To hold her. To have her hold me and kiss me on the forehead and tell me things will all be alright.

I know.. I just know that if she were alive right now, I would be doing better in school, better studying habits, being more social, being more open .. just .. everything would be so different. Maybe growing up without a mother role model is what made me so attracted to female singers and the such. I don't know.

I just want this void to be filled.

xx