I'm feeling pretty pissed off right now. Plans on going down to Granite Bay have failed .. once again .. I've tried this numerous times but .. never works out. Talked to Trevor though for the first time in like .. 4 months. I'm gonna call him more now.

Then my dad has to be up in my face about how I should stop making plans with people down in Granite bay cause "its a waste of time" and "you live down here, you have friends here as well" .. Sorry that I'm not an inconsiderate prick and didn't terminate friendships sooner. God.

So I went in my room and blasted Otep. Then my father came in, yet again, telling me that I shouldn't have friends down there. And as he left and closed the door, both my blinds were closed and I looked at the one by my bed where I was lying and I stared off between one of the fucked up blinds (it wasn't closed all the way) and I suddenly just started to cry. I'm really starting to hate a lot of things right now.

I'm just tired of being home. I want someone to stop by here. So at least it seems like someone cares. Chris said he was gonna be up today or tomorrow .. I gave him my address .. but I doubt he'll come. If he would've, it would've made my day.

And I think tonight I'll put to use those fags I saved up in that altoids container. I saved some vicodin and ciggarettes for this kind of situation .. just fucking pissed off and stressed about everything. I know it wont do me any good but that's as far as I can see for now.

I know I need to change. There's been numerous times I've said this to myself but have I ever meant it? No. Am I meanging it now? No. I'm just saying this repeatedly till someday something breaks and no longer is it a choice, but rather something that has to be done.

I know it's my fault that I have failing grades in school. I know it's my fault I don't have many "best friends" around here. I know it's my fault that all this stress is upon me. I know .. I know ..

But I don't know how to change it. I'm afraid of this change. But it really doesn't matter. I don't know what I'm typing about anymore.

I just want to be alone. Right now.

xx