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I'm Scared... So Scared...
February 18, 2004 //_ 12:06 AM

I'm scared yo.. I sneaked downstairs in order to go on my BELOVED computer (yes yes, MY computer from which I haven't been on in over 6 months..) and I'm freaking out cause it's raining and I'm so paranoid that my parents are up -- it's not even funny. I almost shat a couple bricks..

I don't think I'll get caught.. but who really knows? If I do get caught, I'll be fucked so bad the Queen of England would vomit with rage.

Okay, I just basically wanted to talk about love (a friend brought it up on livejournal so I thought I'd discuss my views on it as well).

Love .. well okay, so maybe it seems like a selfish act -- the longing to make another feel for you as you do for them, but what good is life if you can't share it with someone? I mean, I'm a socialistic bastard and if I'm away from contact with people for more than .. well however long I sleep -- I would crack. Whoa, tangent.. But I think love is a great thing .. as well as a shitty thing. I don't believe in that soul mate crap anymore. I do believe in finding someone you can relate and find an understanding with though. Whether it be through friendship or a relationship. I don't think we can truely shove "love" out of our life cause we all feel it. Love in the form of care or love as in passion. Doesn't really matter. Although love itself has been fucked over by the markets and such.

But how can we really define "love"? Who really came up with that word and put that specific meaning behind it? I seriously wonder about that kind of stuff. Like what REALLY makes fuck a "bad" word? Yay, tangent-mania!

There's this guy at my school (I wont name names) called ERIC and he is probably the most annoying person I know. He 1) steals peoples bands (okay, so I know that's selfish, but GOLDFRAPP is fuckin' MY BAND, and NO ONE knows about them unless EYE tell them too..) and yet he goes out of his way to check out the Felt Mountain CD and comes up to me and tells me "Goldfrapp is cool!" ... WHAT?!@ I outta punch him in his fucking dome. Is he fuckin' MAD? That was utterly dissrespectful (in my opinion cause I'm very protective of certain music I enjoy) and I told him "If you can name 3 Goldfrapp songs, I will respectfully call you a fan.." and he didn't know any. So I have now put this miniture wall up against him cause he has no sense of music style of his own. He mooches off others to gain acceptance. Moving on.. 2) he TOUCHES me ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I don't mind it if girls touch me, or if a guy (who I like) touches me, but when someone I don't like and have NO INTEREST IN, WHAT SO EVER touches me, I blow up. And it's not just touching, its the WAY he does it.. everytime he touches me, I feel SO UTTERLY DIRTY. I feel like I was abused in some way cause it disgusts me so. And 3) He (literally) blocks people out of conversations to make sure he's the center of attention. I can assure myself that next year he will not be my friend. I made a huge mistake in even getting to know him/be friendly.

I've been noticing that a lot lately, I've made friends with so many people that I regret a lot of the friendships. There's so many people that I "talk" to (they talk to me) that I wish I never even knew them.. and things would be so much more easier. Really.

Grant asked me in Music Lab today if being gay is a choice.

Let me fucking tell you (sorry reader, you're taking the backlash and I apaulogize) that WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS would CHOOSE to be gay? Who would CHOOSE to have people hate you? Who would CHOOSE to only be accepted in a small group and only have a few guys to choose from? Who, honestly, can answer that? NO ONE CHOOSES TO BE GAY. I know I didn't. I wouldn't have. But if I had the chance to become straight (through pills or therapy or whatever) I wouldn't. I am who I am and that's that. I'm not going to change a fucking thing.

So yeah, I told Grant it wasn't a choice.

I think love is an excuse to get hurt. And to hurt -- do you like to hurt?

I do, I do.

Then hurt me.

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xxx