I remember when I first got diaryland (before Liverjournal was free, psh) and I guess I came about to Diaryland through Otep cause my entry's were a lot like hers. Very discriptive but no straight forward reasons, just analogies. I liked it then. I was emotional then. I was stupid then.

I guess a few things haven't changed over time but the majority of myself as a person has evolved into this .. thing that's more wise, I guess a bit more contraceptive to ideas and ideologies. I realized a while back that I can stand up for my friends and what I believe in or respect, but the one thing I cannot protect is myself. Whenever I'm under verbal attack, I succumb to myself and tend to twist every little detail and exaggerate it to the fullest extent without making it seem like it's a big deal on the outside -- while on the inside I feel like I'm decaying. I was walking to school this morning and the NSJ (North San Juan) kids were in a circle and as I walked by them (thank god I had my headphones on) I heard them shouting at me. As long as I didn't HEAR anything I was okay. It twirked me a little on the inside but I was able to cope. But when people are shouting at me and I'm alone, or with friends and all the sudden people are calling me names -- I freeze. I feel like everyones circled around me and I'm being laughed at. I guess I flash back to the days of Elementary school (back in Gomes Elementary in Freemont) and just realize what assholes these punkass children are. I've been beaten up before (for the thought of being gay, never because I admitted it) and now I believe it to be worse since now I do admit I'm gay and what happens when I'm alone and some NSJ kids walk by?

In PE this kid tried throwing a basketball at the back of my head, luckily it missed me but the SECOND I felt that ball wizz by me -- I felt like shit. I was low and all it took was the THOUGHT that someone out there hates me and thought it would be funny if I got hit. If I was hit I swear to god I would've cried. I feel all this overwhelming stress from these bastard peers who can't seem to mind their own buisness and let people be. Whenever I get out of class I feel the need to have to immediately find my friends cause I fear being alone. What have I come to resort to, honestly? I have to rush to meet friends in order for me to feel secure. And even when I am with friends, they don't really defend me -- they laugh it off. I don't think one friend has been there when I've been hurt and done anything about it. Well, Akasha was there once and said "Fuck you" but I don't think that's the right way to go about it. I always feel the need to want to go up to these people who call me names, look them in the face and just punch them in the dome. But I don't want to resort to violence cause I know I'll lose.
Because I'm gay.
And I'm weak.
And I'm a fag.

My friend Larry came up to me today and told me that him and my other friend Lanna where having an argument over who I'm their Jeff. Did that make sense? Like, if I'm Lanna's Jeffy or Larry's Jeffy. I was so confused as to even how they came to that argument that I didn't know what to say. I kinda felt flattered yet offended all in once. I mean, I'm no ones "Jeffy" .. If anything, I'm Chris' (my boyfriends) "Jeffy" and even then, he doesn't own me. No one does. But I guess I'm a hypocrite when I say that since when people call me names, I agree with them.

When I think about it, I wish I could go back to Granite Bay -- be continued to be blind and oblivious to the world around me and live happily and freely in my little secure bubble. But now that I'm out over here in Nevada City -- things aren't that peachy. I've had to deal with things that I never thought of would happen back in Granite Bay. If I was back in Granite Bay (which I wish I was badly) I know that I could make a difference. I mean, these are people I spent about 7 years of my life with and to prove to them that things aren't always so stereotypical, I would feel better. I had fewer friends back there but they were more trustworthy. And I'm not trying to be mean, there's a few friends here (like Sara) who I trust but not as much as over in Granite Bay say with Angela and Roxy. Angela is probably the one, single most profound person in my life that I can say I trust. And I don't trust anyone really anymore, except for her. I'm tired of entrusting my emotions on others only to have them destroy every last nerve -- Angela has never done that. NEVER. Not once. Sara, has. She's a best friend, but she's done it a few times, things Angela would never do (I'm not bitching at all, I'm just kinda reflecting) but people make mistakes. Sara and I have gotten over that. I don't think we've gotten into any argument .. well .. only about Korn vrs. Nirvana but that's about it. I just feel like I can't find anyone at this school that I can try to replace Angela with. I can't. I won't. Angela and I talked about everything and anything, and what I wouldn't give to be with her now. We always had the best of times.. I just wish I could've acted differently around her. I was such an immature bastard back in Freshman year (whoa, look at that! Only a years difference!) but I miss her. I miss that little blind town of Granite Bay. Nevada Union is nothing compared to Granite Bay -- it may have more diversity but diversity doesn't mean that they're intellegent nor understanding.

I've been listening to The Cardigans' "Gran Turismo" a lot lately. Just thought you should know.

Okay.. what the hell? I'm on my brothers computer (yay for him leaving it on while he's at work) and I just found a lot of research on Nazi's and a Nazi picture saved on this computer.. Dude. Not cool.

Yay, I just fixed the background on my livejournal so now it has Portishead back! Woo.

I don't know what else to say. The cookies at school are too doughy, but they make me feel a false sense of fullness and I go on with my day. My grades are doing good I suppose. My spanish teacher has a problem with me I think. "NO ESCRIBE UNA CARTA EN LA CLASE!! NO NO NO!!!" ... okay?.. I might have a D in Spanish and a D in Math but I'm not sure. I'm hoping for C's. I would love to go to England for the summer.

I guess the only thing I'm looking forward this week is Saterday for Chris' call. I'm feeling really loathesome lonesome.

"if bush & co. are so concerned with protecting the "sanctity" of marriage ... then perhaps he should start with his own family ... neil bush, hookers in asia, & divorce" (taken from oteps diary)

I guess I shall go. I'll fuck around on the computer for a while. Maybe some good porno sites will come my way.

xxxx