I saw one of the most beautiful sights that you can only achieve with the right music, mood and feel. It all came together when I was outside of our house property, I was listening to the song "Safer Now" by Mandalay and.. I can't explain what.. or how.. but the sight of the downfalling plane and the orange tint that the sun left staining the sky.. it all came together then slowly fell apart with the last glisten of light.

I'm tired of hearing bands that sound like bands that have already come and gone. Do they honestly think they're entertaining? Come on, find some originality or some trademark (ex: Picket Lines vox, Modest Mouses unique guitar sounds, et cetera) cause I'm getting pretty damn tired of hearing bands that sound the same. That's part of the reason why I am engrossed in the overseas -- cause they have a variety of music that the USA has yet to catch onto. Cause a band that sounds like Rancid or Korn or whomever won't get signed, why? Cause they're not Rancid or Korn. I'm about on the verge of leaving my two bands and try (once again) to find other people who share the same musical interests as I do. I doubt I'll find anyone though.

Oh, Chris, I was looking through the yearbook and saw your picture. Ha-ha. ;D

I'm getting real tired of myself lately. Enough is enough and I can't stop. I'm sorry ahead of time.

I guess Goldfrapp and Massive Attack are going to be playing at the Tea In The Park concert/picnic in July over in Scotland. If my grades are good, I'll be able to go (hopefully) and see how marvelous they truely are. But one thing, my father has bought me tickets to see Sarah McLauclin (spelling?) on July 6th or 7th (it's slipped my mind) .. so I have to stay for that and if I'm going to go, I'll have to leave a day after or something since the TITP is on that very weekend. Eep. Not very good timing.. But I'll figure something out.

If I sit and think long enough I can remember my childhood. Sometimes good; sometimes bad. I remember when I was about 8, I used to be friends with this guy named Corey. Man, that kid was one fucked up child. I guess we fit together like a hand in glove since I'm a freak - but we did some pretty sick shit. I remember we would sneak over to one of my neighbors houses and shit in their bushes. I'm not sure why as much as I remember how hilarious we thought it was at the time.

And between my house and that neighbors house was a small walkway to the neighbors backyard. It was covered (seriously) with some weird bush that was like an overgrown tree with fur or something. Anyways, we hid in there after we took a shit and I remember hearing something behind me and I turned around and I saw the biggest shadow of a spider run down my back. It was traumatic at that age and I swore to myself I would never go in there again. I hated that neighbor anyway. Some of you may know why, but I'm not going to get into that.

I also remember going over to his house (although I was never inside of his house) and his father was so obesce that he had to live in the garage cause he couldn't fit through the door that led into the house. I was scared of his father, he was fucking 50x the size of me. I remember peaking in one time while he was hunched over his work bench (he was always over that work bench) and surrounding his bench was pornographic photos of women and the works. At the time I was so exstatic at the fact I was seeing boobs for the first time I never thought of how damaging that was to my 'innocence' growing up. Coreys mother was really thin, I wouldn't be surprised if she was anorexic, and I remember I saw the fat man slap her for talking to me. I never understood why, just thought it was something they did. But I never ever went into his house. We would always play in the street, or take shits in peoples yards. In fact, I never let him into my house either cause he was so fucking dirty all the time. I wouldn't dare let him near my room anyways.

Up and down the street I was friends with all the kids. I remember Perry, and I can't recall the other kids' names. But there was a lot. I remember going to Gomes Elementary School and I wonder what I would be now if I hadn't of moved. The only friends I had at that school were girls, and most pretty weird. There was Jenna, I guess you could say my first girlfriend. We always talked and .. we were weirdly alike. She had her pig laugh and I just laughed cause, well, it was stupid. I only had about 3 friends over there anyways. For some reason I never really got along with the boys. I always felt .. weird. Which should've been the other way around with me and girls (ya know, the whole "cooties" thing or whatever) but I guess not.

There was this one girl, Shauna, who was the little goodie two-shoes. I would go to her house, mostly just to dress up in her "dress up" clothes. Yeah, I wore skirts and stuff, I just liked the fact that when you spun it would surround you. I probably made her parents really confused when we would talk in dresses. She also had a hot tub out in the back. I remember I spent the night over there once and Jenna did as well. We were all in the hot tub and I can recall making up some scary lie that I saw red eyes behind the bush in order for them to get scared and cling onto me. That sounded really pimpish. But yeah, there was one incident that happened with Jenna when Shauna went in to get something to drink. I'd tell you, but I won't.

Fast forwarding a couple of years; I remember moving to Granite Bay and my first day of school at Ridgeview Elementary. What a bitch. It just so happened the first day I went to school was Halloween. I didn't have any friends for the first few months, but there was this one guy, Daniel, who would just envoke this pure rage in me. He was just so irritating. I remember one day at lunch he was calling me a fag and yelling at me for no reason, and I swear to you I started walking away. But no, he had to persist on making my confidence non-existant, and once I hit rock bottom I turned around -- grabbed his shirt and threw him to the ground. Unfortunately, before I could do any damage, some yard duty came by and gave us both referals. I think I sent my message to him though. He stopped talking to me and I stopped hating. Well, at least for a while.

The one thing I remember the most through my childhood is being called a fucking faggot. Even when I didn't know what it meant it pissed me off. Just the sound of it.. And from all those people calling me that I guess I started this inner battle to try and show them that they were wrong, that I'm not a faggot but I couldn't face the blinding reality that I am a faggot. I mean, I realized about a year ago that when I'm put into extreme situations when I get so intensly aggrivated or angry, I'll start calling people faggots myself. I've got it implanted in my mind.. and I can't get it out. I can hold myself back but sometimes I can't control myself.

I guess I'm done taking a stroll down memory lane. I'm sorry that I wasted your time.

xxxx