It's funny how one day you may feel great about life, and then it seems to hit your attention that your friends are left in the gutter -- hating life. I've noticed that it's always that way or visa versa. There's not one day when everyone's just fucking happy. Happiness won't last you a dollar. Nor an hour.

So Sara has a boyfriend now. I'm happy that she's happy and I love her love and we should be happy together. But I'm not. There's numerous reasons why.

I found out my boyfriend Chris (from San Fran) is suicidal and told me he had tried to commit suicide last week. He didn't really have a reason not to besides he was scared. What torqued me was the fact that 1) He hadn't talked to me about how he was feeling and 2) If he would have, how would I have found out?

I honestly think everyone goes through a phase when they consider suicide. It's common, and I know (maybe a bit too many) people who have tried it. I'm sorry, but I think whatever reasons you may have to hurt yourself are pointless and two-dimensional. Sure, I'm' not one to talk but I'm starting to get tired of this teenage angst with all the "I'm so depressed" and "I don't wanna do anything cause.. yeah."

Yeah, sure, there's a given time when we all feel low and sad. I'm not saying that's annoying, just when people talk about it excessively. Life is not one emotion.

But I love Chris and I'm here for him. I'm here for anyone who is willing to seek help or comfort. I know when I felt that way, all I really wanted was a friend there for me. But it was also partly my fault for secluding myself. Big mistake.

But that's one reason why I'm a bit low and below.

There's a guy at my school whom I like. I promised myself I wouldn't fall for anyone at school. I realize it's pointless but I guess my mind drew numbness from my lonely heart. The guy I like isn't gay, and I'm fine with that. I guess I would like to be friends with him. He's interesting, in a scary sense I guess. And it's starting to effect my emotions. Whenever I'm not around him I feel really gritty. But when he walks by and stares at me or flashes me (just some weird inside joke that's been developed -- I'm not complaining) -- I feel happy. He has a girlfriend as well, and I'm happy for him. I'm not looking to spook him or hit on him. I don't think he knows I'm gay either, which is probably a very big plus. I just want.. a normal friendship without him freaking out because of my sexuality or hating me for being something he's not.

And I know it's not good to feel for him.
And I know nothing will ever happen.
But I don't want to go through High School with only female friends.

I guess I regret even going out with Jeff. I despise of the fact that I could have even been so fucking blind. Blind to .. everything I stood against. I became someone I hated. I hated him. I do now. The whole fact that if no one would've found out I was gay, things would've been so different. I'm tired of some people staring at me. I'm tired of the same people calling me the same names. I just want to be alone, sometimes.

But now that everyone around me is starting to feel complete, I feel like all my stitches are beginning to show while I'm falling apart.

I haven't been sleeping till 2:00AM and it's starting to drag me down. I have strange dreams though. I had a dream about aliens trying to abduct people by the Baja Fresh in Granite Bay. They had big store sensors that would run up and down the street and once you would go through them you would be an alien. I remember Nate was in the dream. Something stupid like that.

Holy shit. I think everyone.. everyone should check out this video by Korn. It has such an awesome message. Make sure you check it out.

---> Ya'll Want A Single?? <---

I almost cried in that video -- and it's not even sad.

We'll. I'm going to go. Take care everyone.

xxxx