Sorry that this was a long entry.

Okay, my second attempt to re-write what got deleted yesterday..

I haven't updated in a while, but now I'm in English so I have a chance to do so.

Last Thursday was my birthday. It was the worst one I've had, it seemed like my friends cared more than my own family did. We went out to dinner at some place that I didn't want to go to, and before we even left I asked my dad if we could go to Record Connection to get something for myself and he had said we would. We ate, along with my step mothers mother and her friends.. I didn't know any of them. No one mentioned my birthday. So that made me mad, and I asked my dad if we could go to Record Connection (or at least if I could walk, it was RIGHT around the corner from Margaritas) and he said no. So I got even more pissed, and they had spent 35 minutes TALKING, in which time I could've walked over there, gotten what I wanted and came back in time. So then when we were driving back I bitched at my dad about how I was really pissed nothing was going well on my birthday and he had the odacity to accuse me of being "one track minded."

Okay, 364 days of the year I'm always caring for others. I drag myself down for others so I can help them and just ONE DAY out of the FUCKING year I would like some apperciation and what not. And then my own father accuses me of being conceited. FUCK YOU, seriously. He doesn't realize the shit I go through for others (I just don't do anything for him) but I think I deserved a small fucking trip to the place I wanted to go on my own fucking birthday. It wasn't even the point of getting something, it was me doing something that I wanted to do, instead of being told what I have to do.

Then we went home, and I had to share my cake with strangers. I didn't want to eat any of it, and these strangers (friends of my mothers) were eating it, not one wished me a happy birthday. It pissed me off. But enough of fucking family problems.

My friends are awesome. I love them all. I got a Bright Eyes CD (thanks Larry), a Sigur Ros CD (thanks Lanna), some balloons, a gooser sweater, some insense and a holder for them (thanks Sara) and it was just all around good. It wasn't even the presents, it was the fact that they told me they loved me all day. It was very .. worth it.

Then on Friday I finally went to Record Connection and got 2 Sigur Ros CD's (their 'An Alright Begining' CD and ( ) CD) and Lambs "Between Darkness and Wonder." They all make me so happy. Then on Saterday I got Sneaker Pimps' "Becoming X" album. ;D

The gay prom was pretty bad. It was the event that made me realize how .. ugly I feel about myself. I put on so many acessories to build my image up when in reality I just look like shit. The music sucked, all they played was old school rock (I'm sorry, but this was GAY prom, there needed to be SOME pop, but NOOOOO..) and cheap techno. I was sad. Plus my friend was busy freaking out over this guy. I wanted the night to be a 'girls night out' (heh) but it didn't. Lanna and I ended up feeling pretty left out and shitty. But it was okay. I'm glad that this dance was Libertys time to have fun. There was a guy that I thought was some what cute, I would look at him and he would look back. I think he even tried to talk to me, by walking by me and sitting next to me, but I never said anything. I wish I did. But by the end of the night I felt .. terrible. I felt like I had to do something to make me feel a bit better about myself, so I went up to the guy I sorta liked, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, just wanted to tell you that I think you're really pretty." He smiled and said thanks and then I had to leave. I felt good about that.

I don't ever want to feel like I did at that dance ever again.

And so now, I bought this GQ magazine with Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover and when I got it, I was so excited (at his beauty) that after looking at him for a while.. I began to feel really shitty. In a way I wanted to be him.. and I realized (again) that I don't need stupid acessories to make my image. So I gut off my hair (the long part at the front), took off all my pins and patches, put away my bracelets, necklaces and wrist bands, and I've quit wearing things that aren't myself. I almost don't want to wear band merchandise but I would never stop. I just think that I need to feel comfortable in my own skin before I add on things. And I have a huge problem with my image. I never realize how bad it got.

I can't just wear t-shirts without covering my arms. My arms are the biggest disappoint to myself. They just make me feel so ugly. But I'm starting to feel better in clothes I never used to wear. Right now I'm wearing my black (somewhat) tight jeans, a plain white shirt and my gooser sweater over that. And just yesterday I wore my regular (somewhat) tight jeans, a plaid shirt underneath a shirt I wrote on with Modest Mouse lyrics. Which reminds me of another thing..

At the GSA yesterday, Ty walked by and started talking to me and he said, "I noticed you're now wearing colour! Hooray!" and even made it a big deal in front of everyone. I felt really embarassed. What the fucking hell? I wear colour all the time, and then all the sudden when I wear somewhat "normal" colours, he starts talking to me? He never used to talk to me, and that's what pissed me off.
But on another note: I will be a club leader of the GSA next year along with Lanna and some others. :)

My grades aren't doing that well. And I have a feeling I won't be able to have the internet over the summer. I have 3 D's I think, a C, and a B. Next year I want to work harder but I just want this year to end.

I'm also writting a story on the moment on my computer at home. It's going pretty well and I plan to hopefully have it done over the summer or begining of next year.

I really feel like during the summer, I'm going to end up doing nothing. It will be sad. So people, if you're a friend of mine and you have my number, don't forget to call. Even if you don't want to hang out, just call so at least I think you care. :)

I have to be going. It's nice to know that this damn entry wasn't deleted.. But if I were you, I probably wouldn't gotten bored and stopped reading by the second paragraph, so if you read it all, thanks.

Take care everyone, don't know when/if I'll be able to update later.

xxxx