I never enjoy myself when I'm around you. I find myself searching for words that aren't there.. conversations that will never form.. glances that never were. And yet I still circle you with my attempts. I'm sorry if sometimes I keep glancing at my watch. I don't want to leave .. but I always do. I always seem to disappear when you need me the most. And I want you, but you never needed me.

I have this lie that I've been telling. It's become so common and rapant with my conversations that .. it's already become my past. I can't just .. tell these people that I lied. That I have this flaw. Things just aren't that simple. I find myself thinking about this lie as if it was a truth and .. I get so lost in how I wish it could be a simplicity in honesty that I forget. I forget. [And no, it's not about my sexuality. I am homosexual.]

And I hate being homosexual. I'm tired of getting comments relating to things that have NOTHING to do with being homosexual. 'Faggot' is not a term relating to gays, but SOMEHOW now-a-days it is. And I'm tired of being denyed rights. I'm tired of being put in uncomfortable positions and I'm tired of putting others in uncomfortable situations. I just wish that I could be straight. Or a female. I once thought about having a sex change .. but that's not for me.

I bought a CD today. The Cardigans : "Long Gone Before Daylight" .. very superb album. I already had the album burned for quite some time (about a year now) and it just happens that the US release of it was May 25th.. so I got it today. I'm very pleased for the 3 bonus tracks (YAY! Finally the US gets the bonus tracks and not god-damned Japan! MUAHAHA!).

Liberty has been over for the past 2 days (not spending the night.. but coming over) and we've made a song already.. it's very pretty. And I'm working on re-making 2 other songs for vocals with Brandi and Akasha.

And maybe you've heard that Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirstin Dunst have broken up.. They've been broken up for 2 weeks so far.. ;D My lil' Jakey finally broke up with her for me. I told you, did I not? I'm very proud of him. More time for him and I to plan our marriage. Plans to come.. heh.

And I find myself time and time again not caring about anything anymore. Not like I used to.

'My heart don't beat like before, it's never been this slow. No, my blood don't flow anymore, and you couldn't care less, could you?'

xxxx