I got back from Fort-Bragg. I feel .. changed. I have a new frame of mind and I feel .. different about everything. I have so much I want to say, but I fear that maybe I'll forget it all before I finish this insanely long entry. You don't need to read it .. I just need to know that I've stated what I'm feeling right now.

Don't mind reading anymore.. it's impoverishly long. I just need to know that I've stated how I'm feeling right now.

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I didn't think that this trip would have such an effect on my being as it did. And nothing really changed until the day we were leaving and the car ride home.

I watched the sunset on the beach at night the day we got there. I felt so .. connected to things. To myself, really. I got a picture as the last sliver of sun cascaded behind the ocean. I got some amazing pictures .. I will have to get them developed and scanned because they were seriously .. unbelievable (and not just of the sunset).

There was a graveyard behind the Best West hotel we stayed at. It was great, before we left the next day, I was sure to run over there and get some photos. I just thought that was eery.

The day we left (today), my father and I went to the beach where my mothers ashes were scattered and .. while we were walking, he told me what he did while there with my mom. I guess they first discovered the place in 1969 and came there a lot to hang out with a few friends. He even told me that him and my mom made love there one night, and as much as I found that disturbing and on a much didn't-need-to-know-that basis -- I thought that was .. sad. I mean, this beach really meant a lot to him and before .. I never really took that seriously. While walking along the beach, he told me that when he dies he would like his ashes to be spread the in the same areas as my mother was (and showed me the places) .. and I felt my heart just sink lower than it ever was. I started to cry and choke up but I wouldn't let him see it. It was just the thought of me speaking at his funeral and remembering in my eyes, him walking along the beach and telling me this to him. It was surreal to me and the thought of loosing him .. was unbearable. I got a picture of some stairs that he used to walk down with his friends (and my mother) down to the beach.. I hope that comes out. He also got a picture of me against a rock, it was weird cause the whole day we were taking really artistic photos, not crappy ones.

Before we left we also went to a lighthouse (I've always wanted to go into one and take some photos) and .. that was great. My dad got this one picture of me .. and I hope it comes out, I can't even describe it.

So cut the crap, and onto my feelings. On the car ride back I was listening to my Bright Eyes mix and .. for the first time I actually cried while listening to Conor in the songs "No Lies. Just Love" and "I Won't Ever Be Happy Again" .. I've never cried while in a car just listening to the music. Something came over me and I just .. felt hopeless. But while I was crying I started thinking WHY I was and .. when I'm in those emotional sort of moods I always end up thinking too much and I ruin the whole mood. I then get pissed and confused .. I'm always desperate to let my feelings out but when it actually starts happening, I freak out.

Which brings me to another thing. I'm desperate for .. lots of things. I lie to a lot of people to get attention so I feel more .. centered. More grounded - in a contorted allusion to make me feel better about myself. I'm just desperate for a boyfriend. Which I selfishly composed onto Anthony to try and make myself feel better. And I feel horrible for doing so. I have not a clue why I put so much meaning around his being .. he's a friend. And it will probably stay that way for a long time. So I apologize to you, Anthony, for dragging you into awkward situations (twice, matter-of-fact) with my "emotions." I'm still growing.

I just don't like being alone. I think with this attitude that I have (rushing things), it will only lead me onto the road of regret, which I already find myself surrounded by. That's what I did with my (ex) boyfriend Jeff. I ruined my first kiss. I didn't even like him. I hardly knew him, really. And now that memory of the back baseball fields won't escape my imagery.

But for right at this moment.. I don't want to have any friends. I don't feel like I want to have a reason to go to school. I don't feel like myself really. Or have I been someone else for so long that I'm now myself but it's different? I'm confusing myself.

I should be devoting my time to my music. Learning music and playing it. Being online so much doesn't help me. In fact, talking online has only got me feeling more lonely and loathsome. I got your package today Rox-a-Fox .. Thank you so much. It made me feel so much happier when I got home.

And I had this whole persona going for school. I had made my Junior year this great thing and it hadn't of even begun. I was going to feel good about myself and do things that I wanted to do. But now I'm not so sure about that. I'm worried about my life. I don't want a job. I don't want responsibility. I want to be twelve again. I try to remember me waking up in the mourning when I was ten but I can't. I only remember sitting in the grass at my daycare center and eating the bottom of the weeds cause it had some sort of juice from it. It's the big things that I remember, and sometimes something so big becomes smaller than I could imagine and it's implanted in my mind and I [want] TO FORGET ABOUT IT but I can't. These memories won't leave me.

And I realize that my step mother isn't really that bad. She's just trying to help, in her own way. And I can respect that. It's just through my eyes, I feel like she's intruding through my respect and trying to hurt me. She isn't. It's just awkward and I turn anything I can into a negative. I feel as if I only want my real mother, Patty or nothing at all.

All I really want is to be in a position where I feel that I belong. I don't feel like being in Grass Valley is where I'm needed. I don't KNOW where I'm needed. I love my friends, but I don't feel like I like them. There's so many people I haven't met, and so many things I haven't felt to really say something in stone. I never knew that as I got older I would end up thinking more in-depth, which would cause me so many more issues. I'm starting to realize how the world works and I can't .. comprehend.

I hate who I've created myself into. I need so much more than this. What I need is too much to ask for. I want to think when I should know.

And I've been noticing things that I never payed much attention to in the first place. I have questions that I want answered. And I need to learn how to wait. It will take a while before someone really tells me they need me. I've never felt needed.

And I had so much more to say, but I either don't want to say, or I just can't remember.

You decide what I meant.
What is right..
You decide.

xxxx