[this is a normal entry, the next one will be more of my creative writing style with the same info. its very long.]

yesterday:
brandi and i went to pick kevin up at the auburn stop. we had fun and talked .. (brandi & i) .. and when i first saw kevin, i didn't even realize it was him, i honestly thought he was a scary guy with a trash bag because .. i thought "that can't be him" .. it was though.

instantly thinking: i cannot just be a bitch and shove him off. even if he isn't what i expected .. he payed for this .. i will put away my emotions and just deal with it.

i gave him a hug. we got in the car. drove to my house .. talked for a bit .. i gave brandi the looks of "..oh my GOD, wtf?" but .. i couldn't just shove him off. he spent like fucken 40 dollars on seeing me.. i was going to make this fun worth it for him.

brandi left. kevin & i walked into town. we talked for a while.. got him some food. and by this time i was more comfortable with him. i may not have been attracted to him, but he was neat.

we sat on the bench on the corner in town. some wangsters drove by, called me a faggot and threw paper at me because i was wearing a pink tie. (well, thats what i assume why). the whole time i was stressing to kevin how much this town sucks and how fucking redneck it was. it was true.

we went to the graveyard. we sat on the stones, by this time, i was cold. he offered his sweater. i denied. he called his friend - she bailed. he couldn't spend the night at my house - so i felt horrible that he had to sleep in a park or something behind the library.

we walked back to my house .. my parents were playing darts in the garage. i turned on "Vespertine" by Bjork and lied on my bed. he lied next to me.. we cuddled for a while. i stared at my ceiling in disbelief with myself.. i was LYING to myself. i didn't want to hurt him though. so i started writting on his back .. "i dont love you .. please dont love me" .. then he kissed my chest. and i felt a hole burn through me.

we walked back into town. i was avoiding tys work place, because i didn't want to be embarrassed - the fact that i made kevin out to be a great guy, and now i was proven wrong .. i didn't want him to see me in my fault. so we walked to the concert that was playing. sara, lanna and larry met him. they talked about afi, i hugged sara. we didn't pay to get in, so we left. we sat back down by the bench at the corner. ty started walking by and i wanted to be anywhere but there. he said hi, i gave him an embarrassed look, he left.

then we walked to the library, we went in the back grassy place. we lied down underneath one of the trees, and while i would watch out unto the street - he would lie ontop of me.

and i tried to replace his face with jakes.
i tried to replace his face with tys.
i tried to replace his face with someone elses. but that made me feel even more false.

i stared up into the trees branches and for once i realized that in this certain case, he liked me .. and i didn't like him. for once, it wasn't me who was lusting after someone and being refused .. i felt .. good .. in a sense about that. but i never denied him.

he covered us with his sweater, and i began to shake. he would try to warm me up but i was so cold. i guess my heart was beginning to catch up to me - with its bitter ice swarming through my veins, i knew this wasn't right.

and as much as i wanted to leave, i felt that insecure weight of guilt laying upon me. i couldn't do that. i know how i would like to be treated .. so i gave all of me to him. i left around 9:54PM. he walked around town more.

he was walking around town trying to find a place to sleep. he ended up going to a hotel and being kicked out .. then a gas station where the cops escorted him to a place where he could sleep.. and during that process, his mother got suspicious earlier, went onto his computer at home and found MY myspace - which had my livejournal link and read that he was coming up here to see me. she called the cops, and came all the way up here to get him (from san fran nearly). she was pissed for a while, but i guess she wasn't today.

he tried calling me last night around 11:30 - but i got my phone taken out of my room because of that. i can't have calls after 9.

today:
so this mourning i woke up .. and i felt something was wrong. he called me, told me what happened .. and i invited him over. my parents had left, but i didn't know how long they were going to be gone. he came in, dropped off by his mother, and i let him sleep in my bed.

then .. my parents came home. i closed my door and rushed out to try and make it not obvious that i was in my room. things were fine for a while .. but i was trying to think of way to get him out of my house without being found. then his mother called MY HOUSE and wanted to talk to him. that gave it away. my dad found out. he kicked us both out of the house.

we walked up the hill a ways, then went down towards the creek behind the houses and laid down on the earths blanket. he lied on me again .. and i knew i could but was just .. hurt again. i don't want him attached to me.. because i'm not with him.

i stared up in the sky.. it was gray. and as he rubbed my sides, i felt some water relief pour down on me. it woke me from my hibernation, and i got up. i told him that he should probably go .. i didn't want him to get wet. we walked to the corner. he held me. i shook again. i didn't want to feel the burn of a kiss - so i tried to prolong it with a hug .. but attempt : failed. we kissed there, through salty drops. and i said goodbye.

and even though i knew i didn't feel much for him, i was the only one looking back the whole way walking down to my house.

xxxx