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He Showed Me What It Was To Cry
October 02, 2004 //_ 8:12 PM

today was pretty eventful.
a lot of misled hearts were mistreated today .. like his
so i woke up around 6:48AM - had to get ready by 7:15AM .. so i rushed, my hair looked like shit .. everything looked horrible. i should've woken up earlier, but that was my fault - staying up till 1:30AM before going to bed.
and i knew this was going to happen
and ty picked me up. we (laura, marlene, ty & i) went to the gsa convention. not many people were there. ate a croissant. then he came up behind me and stood there for a mintute .. and when i noticed he was behind me, i paniced and actually said : "is you justin?" .. i guess my ebonics side comes out when in panic.
along with a lot of regretful emotions / expectations
and ty fell in love with a pretty black boy named jerome. that made me happy that he gave rome his email. :) and the meeting was well.. but then sometime later on down the road, justin put his arm around me..
:thinking: shit .. forget my feelings.. what am i supposed to do now?
and even though i didn't feel the same .. i proceeded. i just .. missed that feeling so much that i couldn't help but mislead him.
am i a horrible person?
and all he did was talk about himself. and when he would speak, i would feel embarassed that i was sitting next to him, holding his hand.. people looking at him while noticing that i'm "with" him .. no, i didn't want that. and i'm sorry.
why can i not find what i really look for?
everyone hated him. i hated myself - for allowing myself to continue what i was doing. afterwards, we all (-minus justin) went to nordstroms rack by the galleria and ty found some pants for me to try on .. they were tight (i really liked that feeling..) but i'm so grotesque that they looked so awkward - i was too ashamed to come out, so i didn't. but maybe i'll find something good when ty, danny & i go shopping in berkely in november (maybe).
and afterwards he hugged me like it meant something, and i wanted to stay connected like that till i could regroup and realize what i've been searching for online has been in my arms the whole time.
then we went to the galleria and i put on a lot of pink eyeshadow, which made me look like i had pink eye, and i loved it. i want to buy some pink eyeshadow now.
and i wish he was for sale - out on the market - but he's .. not
afterwards we went and ate at mels diner. that was actually really fun. had some laughs. ty acused me of being rude to him "all the time", and i'm so not rude to him. what-ev!
go hold his hand - the thought crossed my mind more than once
during the ride back i thought a lot. i'm not sure i want to say what about. it kinda meant a bit more than words can express. i ended up getting myself worked up a lot though. and now i'm just waiting for all that i've constructed to fall apart now.
let go - jump in - well, what are you waiting for?
i want to know what i'm going to be in my life.
i want to know what i mean to myself in all this.
& i'm tired of second-guessing myself with others emotions. i just want a clear statement. even if it does hurt.
it's alright, 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
xxxx

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xxx