[.:remember the future:.]
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1 Thought At A Time.
May 28, 2005 //_ 11:03 PM

so, i struggled through 6 hours of dream-exhaust residue to think about the day unfolding. getting there was a trick. remaining uninhabited for 4 pre-hours was tougher than i had thought. but when i saw you walking, and you stared at me and i smiled back, the timing so distinct, it sent razors pulsating through the back of my mind .. telling me to go talk to him. but i didn't, not just yet.

time passed by, i kind of kept the thought on the back burner. after a while, he came up behind me, rubbed my back and started talking to me.. i guess i somewhat didn't respond as much and he left after a few minutes. my friend came by and congradulated me on my way to "playing hard to get."
i didn't understand that.

i remember him working, and then finally getting up to hug him
[-how intense his hugs felt-
just like his kisses
soft appeal to the outter
tight and gripping in the side
i couldn't find use in letting go]
and i felt this surge of hatred towards his other half. his girlfriend.

why does she get to have such a person for herself? why couldn't i find someone on my own who was willing and open to be with me? this guy, almost everything what i could want.. taken, but still interested.
i'm not going to leave this feeling guilty.
[but i guess that implies the jealousy]

and through the passing time, i wouldn't give more than a glance; a simply wave; an untimely heartache, to this taken thought, but when she was with him, i couldn't stand it. it was like she was touching him to upset me.. and i could do nothing. i had not right for anything i was feeling.

i'd lie to her face to keep on his good side. and i did. i want to be closer to him, but i guess somehow there are going to be boundaries.

he did happen to have me sit next to him under that glaring sun [how it scalded my skin by the end of the day] and rubbed my knee .. i know that maybe he was just trying to be nice, but i can't help but think maybe he likes me too. [what else am i left to assume?]

& he did happen to swing his arm around me and put my head to his face and say hello .. with her on the other side. sometimes i feel like he's maybe just a bit too lucky
[having two people to leave with]
.. but it's still always been her.

his parents know about me, and know about what him and i had done at prom
[figures, the teachers spotted two fags kissing and had to report it to SOMEBODIES parents.
this is OUTRAGEOUS!
this is SATANIC!
this is SICKENING!
and we cannot accept two males doing any such buisness, while if two females were dancing together, thats fine. they're females. makes sense.]
and so they're not very keen to my whole being as it is. turns out when i had called before and left a message with his mother, she had deliberately not given him my number. duh. i mean why not? dont want your own son running around with FAGGOTS, now do you?

i'm just really tired. i need to sleep.

when i said goodbye to him (no kisses, just hugs) he hugged me so tightly i felt like i wanted to burst. i wanted him to squeeze me so tightly i couldn't breathe. that my rib cage would crack apart and i'd cease to remark in his embrace. i wanted so badly to just have him hold me while i drained myself, but he held me tightly and told me to call him.
i will.

[and this is how white burned to red to fade into me hating everyone for having something i can never have.]

xxxx

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