take this aftertaste out and replace it with something i'd never drank. i'm feeling a bit tired and life-wasted and i never even got anything out. i never exposed myself to where i wanted. i never left the bathroom tiles and the distressing toilet seat shimmer was oh so white. the kind of white pearls grew envious of.

earlier, answering questions was my downfall. every question a wrong answer someone had already had .. take a shot. feeling down? take a shot. i made everyone else take a shot just cause i thought i was being an idiot. i was. so i took another shot. i was being responsible though, even if i was out of my mind, i watched over another and i dont know about others but i remember everything when i'm drunk. and i know exactly whats going on [it just alters my ability to care].

while i heaved shots after shots of crystal-synthetic death - i heard him gently open the door and sit behind me.. rubbing my back.. telling me not to worry about it. i was apologizing perfusely for ruining his pearls. making him see me like this. so weak and vulnerable. he could've done anything he wanted .. but instead he took care of me.

he walked me to his bed and sat me down. a pan infront of my face, i didn't feel full anymore. i opened my mouth to exhale liquid but nothing came out, just dry gasps for air and the stomach acids growing like veins up the lining of my intestines. growing with every choke. he sat beside me and made everything a lot better. he gave me a hug and a kiss goodnight. and as i faded fast with the pain of being so immature, he watched me.

while i slept, he brought me water and placed my cell phone on the window sill next to me. he changed my socks [black from the pavement outside i had ran around on] and tucked me in.

and now i have pains within themselves worrying about the black-lung and the crease in my heart that he's created. i don't ever want to wake up.

xxxx