there's always two parts of me, fighting to be spoken. i always end up saying i'll follow one but something will happen and then snap, i'll faulter to the other. i have no backbone. i'm always at the will of what others want to make of me. at the moment my parts are at war with what to believe and how to react to situations. i'm not sure i'll follow any this time. i'm trying to stay silent as long as possible.

____the_(wh)hole:
you never talk to me. am i supposed to pretend like things are still just as they were weeks after the smiles and pretending-not-to-cares? sometimes you make me happy. you delight me with your ingenous ways of ripping through my sheild and making me feel .. special. but then sometimes you make me enraged. you talk like i'm not listening sometimes, or like i don't care. you have no idea. if things could change i'd force them to stay the same. i want you. but i'm never sure what you're thinking of me. and i'm weak enough to know i'll never ask.

____part1:
i tell you to stop. we're over with. we're not what we were anymore and things have changed. they won't repair and i'm not going to wait anymore. i'm tired of the awkward situations you put me through. i'm never enough for anyone, and how could i ever believe you'd ever make a difference. i'm immature. i want what i can never have and you're just as (if not more) weak as i am and will never realize the relationship you have (and could have). you scare me. i have to forget.

____part2:
i'll hold my mouth shut with the words i wish to speak. things are just getting rocky at the moment. i'm exagerating situations where you don't look at me like you used to, the jokes you used to play with me are with others and i'm just left to sit and watch. [to disregard everything.] they may be true but it's all in the moment. things are still intact. you're getting busy with situations and can't find the time to be social. i should just be assured that we're still just as was and the future will hold something better for the both of us.

i don't know. for now - stitches keep me staring.

xxxx