so we decided to leave, just for a day. we packed up our stuff and took trip to Fort Bragg.

if we wouldn't have gotten lost past Columa, we would've been there in about 4-5 hours, but we got there in 6 - good thing we left at 6:00AM.

we listened to a lot of albums / songs and we documented the whole trip in our notebook.

i want to go on trips like these with all of my close friends. this kind of driving helps me feel closer.

132. we got the old camp site that my family and i had gotten the last time we went there. so we got all our stuff out and set up the place, then i took her to my mothers beach (the beach my [real] mothers ashes were spread on years ago when she passed away).

we climbed upon one of the huge rocks nearly feet away from the oceans fray and looked out. i took some pictures. i began to tell her what my father and i had talked about the last time we were there, and i felt that crack in my head worsen. bleeding from my seems, i let it fall apart.

i've never torn my seams like this before.

we gathered fire wood and headed back. our fire sucked, until we asked our overtly strange neighbors for some of theirs. we played a few songs from some select albums from her car and watched the flames. we decided to die and make smores, and then we met a family of 3 racoons and played with them for a while. we fed them (and they ate from our hands!) .. but took our marshmellows. which sucked.

when our flames started to die, we walked to the ocean. the whole time we'd been there it was foggy and overcast. it wasn't quite rainy or anything, just gray.

an empty beach.

we sat on the sand and just looked ahead at the empty space left unpainted by what [should've been] visible. it's funny, cause we knew when to shut up, and when to speak .. we listened to waves and felt the grains of sand around us. it was about 11:30 or 12 and it was just .. peaceful.

i realized how much i hate my friends.
and realized more how much i hate myself.

i want to change things. i want to change myself. i hate how materialistic i am.

the next day we went to another beach and the Glass Beach. the tide was way in so there really wasn't anything much to see, so we sat upon a huge cliff overlooking the jagged rocks by the sea. below our feets the waves would crash and we didn't want to leave.

we were trying to erase what we would [eventually] have to come back to.

saying hello is the easy part.
leaving the goodbyes makes me choke up.

back when i was on moms beach, i had realized soon enough, my whole familys ashes will be spread upon that beach with my mother. a whole family of four. and i know how much this means to my dad and my brother. i felt the love for them i should be feeling all the time upon that rock.

coming back to everything didn't feel so inviting. i try to think of memories of my mother and come to blanks. i know some of the things i do[/am] she wouldn't agree with, but i hope she would be content with who i am. i'm almost there.

here i go, i'm going back,
on every word you ever said.
i'm dreaming of another time,
yesterday my alibi.
we changed the world, just you and i.
i make a shrine for you.

[i love you mom.]
xxxx