(this will be a regular update cause I can't think straight)

I saw Brokeback Mountain (twice) yesterday and I can't even begin to explain how I feel towards this movie. It's envoked a lot of inner emotions in me that I don't understand and I can't seem to sort out. I wanted to cry in this movie (I wanted to lash out and cry and destroy a part of me all in one sitting) but only a few tears fell. But I felt so much more inside though.

The movie itself (at first) didn't seem to have much of a point to me. But the second time I saw it, I realized the horrible heartbreaking undertones. It wasn't really in certain scenes that I felt it either, it was the WHOLE MOVIE.

I guess a certain part of me wants to be in that same type of situation. Being in love with someone so much, but having an alternate life where you have to pretend nothing else matters. That's what movies do to me, they make things seem so romantic (in a sense) and it makes me yearn for a situation like that to achive - to live through - to understand COMPLETELY and to SYMPATHIZE. But I'm not there (yet). I haven't matured enough to physically compensate.

The movie has left me paralyzed in my own life. I feel as if I'm living through that movie in my mind. I can't listen to music - watch TV - read - write - or do anything without some part of that movie replaying itself over in my head & as it's playing - I can feel every string of my heart being cut with scissors.

I don't understand what's going on with me. I want to, so badly. I have to watch that movie because now I think the only times I feel happy is watching that movie. Well, in my frame of mind.

"I don't know what I'm feeling now.
Guess I'm scared .. gonna take a little time."
help me.
xxxx