It's Enough Now, It's Your Loss Now. It's Just, I Don't Know. | |
March 19, 2006 //_ 3:08 AM | |
there's a time when i can sit and [clearly] think. when my thoughts aren't sudden or sparatic; when they are singular and lasting. it comes rarely but when it does, there is something odd about it. something missing. something forgotten or hidden. i realize through my actions i can effect a lot of different people, and as empathetic as i can be, i've come to realize that in this time - i have to do things for myself. because in the end, if i end up pleasing others - i won't be happy with myself - and what the fuck is the point in that? my future bothers me. i can see different endings, and all have scary obstacles or aftermaths. i could let myself waste away and work at Raleys for the rest of my life. good pay, maybe travel a bit, but stay here. or i could go to college .. and from there i could do whatever i wanted. it's the years i'd have to handle and i feel like i'm ready. i'm set and willing to do whatever it takes to get myself out of here and out of the cliche skin i've molded myself into. i want my family to worship me when i'm at their gatherings; to envy my presence. i want to be able to support my family financially so i don't have to break my back supporting them physically. i want people to look at me and remember back in high school i was the one they hated. i want my friends to look at me and know i'm still close to them and that they all had a part in who i'd become. i want my Ex's to look at me and feel stupid for being such assholes. but mostly, i want to be doing something i'm proud of. something that makes me love myself. have a job i love doing. have friends still by my side (along with new ones) that i absolutely adore. and to express my ideas and thoughts to others and have others relate back to me. and i'm going to. |
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