[.:remember the future:.]
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It's Enough Now, It's Your Loss Now. It's Just, I Don't Know.
March 19, 2006 //_ 3:08 AM

there's a time when i can sit and [clearly] think. when my thoughts aren't sudden or sparatic; when they are singular and lasting. it comes rarely but when it does, there is something odd about it. something missing. something forgotten or hidden.

i realize through my actions i can effect a lot of different people, and as empathetic as i can be, i've come to realize that in this time - i have to do things for myself. because in the end, if i end up pleasing others - i won't be happy with myself - and what the fuck is the point in that?

my future bothers me. i can see different endings, and all have scary obstacles or aftermaths. i could let myself waste away and work at Raleys for the rest of my life. good pay, maybe travel a bit, but stay here. or i could go to college .. and from there i could do whatever i wanted. it's the years i'd have to handle and i feel like i'm ready. i'm set and willing to do whatever it takes to get myself out of here and out of the cliche skin i've molded myself into.

i want my family to worship me when i'm at their gatherings; to envy my presence. i want to be able to support my family financially so i don't have to break my back supporting them physically. i want people to look at me and remember back in high school i was the one they hated. i want my friends to look at me and know i'm still close to them and that they all had a part in who i'd become. i want my Ex's to look at me and feel stupid for being such assholes.

but mostly, i want to be doing something i'm proud of. something that makes me love myself. have a job i love doing. have friends still by my side (along with new ones) that i absolutely adore. and to express my ideas and thoughts to others and have others relate back to me.

and i'm going to.
(nothing, no one will stand in my way)
but i don't know what will happen.
xxxx

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xxx