its like wasting years of your time trying for something and never achieving one goddamn thing. you think after your efforts something would change; something would surprise you and everything you fought so hard to gain just seems farther away from the beginning. you think you have fun but really you're projecting yourself for a mis-thread.

its like feeling that source of inconcievable happiness whenever you have that one thought, that one wish you wasted so many coins on in that pool and to find out it seems their dreams are coming true, but from others. like a snow storm blinding me from view and there's nothing beyond my fingertips. i have no idea what i was thinking (or what i am) and i feel stupid and useless and weak and arrogant. it was stupid of me to believe in those dreams. it was stupid of things to have gone the way they were, leading me to continue that hope.
why do i continue to pressure you?
i know it's not the end of the world and this is probably just nothing and i'm being an idiot like i always am about nothing.. but what if it isn't? what if this is the fact and i'm just not willing to face it? and that's why i decided to punch that mirror. that's why i refused to bandage it up. that's why i jumped out that window and ran for miles until i couldn't breathe anymore because you made me so weightless. i never concieved of breathing when i was around you.. you simple took that away from me. thats why i collapsed in a forest thinking if i could simply exhaust my body i could start anew but this has happened way too many times.
you'll never know how the words you speak to me effect me
people telling me the same things i've heard before, that nothing's wrong with me and that i'm just fine, all this bullshit and if it were really true why would i be told this? it's easy to lie about things to people to make them feel better, but if it were true you wouldn't have to tell them. they would know and things wouldn't happen like this. things would already be perfect. they would be complete.
you would make me complete.
i suffocate these feelings so i don't cry. i never cry. nothing will change. everything stays the same.
and i know you're reading this now.. you'll never know i love you.
xxxx