i've been a terrible friend. a magnificent liar. and for the past days, weeks, months.. i've been trying to convince myself that you're not really gone. you're just on vacation. you're just in school. or you're out with other friends.. but i keep forgetting you'll never come back. maybe for a break or for the holidays, but you'll never be completly and fully back home.

and i sit and think back to all the plans we made in our tiny minds at the time and sometimes i laugh, sometimes i feel sad, and sometimes i just keep staring off.. thinking of all we could've done. and how much time i'd taken for granted, the time i should've spent with you. i hate myself for being mistaken that you weren't really leaving.

driving by your house last night made me realize that. i wanted so badly to stop the car, go to your window and throw rocks at it to get you to come out, but i knew you weren't there anymore.. i think i may sneak over to your house some nights and leave letters underneath rocks and pieces of wood addressed to you, so that one day when you get back, you'll have a treasure hunt to find them all.

i've been reading your entries, and although it seems difficult and lonely at this point in time in chicago, don't ever forget the people you left in california.. we all hope you're doing well and hey, at least you're not in grass valley. :)

i miss you terribly & it kills me.
i love you, and i'm so sorry.
xxxxxxxxxx