needless to say, i ended what i had started. especially since every move that progressed us further was on my behalf.. i came to find that knife below my skull was placed there by myself. all that time.. the whole time -- and every now and then i can hear whispers of a memory but most of the time it's too dull to make a wave.

/
there's this taste in the back of my throat and no matter what i do to try and choke it out - it never leaves. no liquid or substance can replace it and all i have to show are broken blood vessels wrapped around my throat.

when i come to terms with what i've said i realize you never even heard me. and however many times i try to apologize it never escapes me lips. you never hear me and you never see.

as much as i should pride myself on my tolerance, i can never find the strength to just let it go and forget. to just smile and laugh and nod like every other person. i hold my drink between my fingers. slam an empty glass on the counter, pass all the rooms and loud voices to find myself with a lighter but no cigarettes. and just as i turn the corner i see you .. coming to me with two cigarettes.

at this point i smile and pretend everything's alright.