i don't know how to start this, but i'm just going to let it blow through me.

i can't stop thinking about you. and yesterday you tried calling me. i let my phone ring until you died off but i'm afraid to answer when you call. there's an inextricable part of me thats afraid of becoming too entwined with you. i'm afraid to hand myself over (especially since it feels like i already have).
..that scares me.

and so i've turned off my phone. gives me a chance to breathe.

i'm almost positive i've completely lost thought of what / who i want to be in life. there's so many new possibilities. my hopes have been floating in my mind and i'm almost certain i'm the anchor; the one drowning.

i've rejected a couple of ideas recently and have probably made the biggest asshole of myself.

i have told you lies to your face and kissed them away.
i have smiled in responce when really i should've turned away.
i have stood by you for so long when really i've never stood on my own.

and with so many things going on, i feel like shit. sometimes when people tell me things i can barely find it in me to respond. or feign interest. or let them know i'm actually listening.

this entry doesn't even begin.

..but i'm doing alright.
i hope.