[.:remember the future:.]
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Trevor.
January 15, 2009 //_ 6:56 PM

i had just been invited to your house.. i came from a long trip with a friend and had to spend the night.. you were the only one who would allow such a last minute guest -- and even allowing me to sleep right next to you.

as i was getting ready for bed and as you were watching a movie, your mother came in looking worried and tired.. she told us to have a good new years and to turn down the movie. as she ascended out the door, i could hear your father yelling and hitting your mother.. you looked at me and asked me a question about a book i was reading.

i realized then this had been happening forever.. and like you, i was supposed to ignore the fighting and continue with my life.. it was heartbreaking and disturbing to look into your eyes then as i could tell you weren't even crying, but as the fight became sickeningly closer and more brutal -- your mother came back in to tell us new years was over and she had to leave (she was being kicked out).

we walked to the door with her and yet again your father came 'round the corner (obviously intoxicated) and had with him a knife and a saw. he yelled at us as a group and began to threaten even me (a young adult, new to the environment of their house and obviously shocked) and as he stepped closer to me (i could tell he wanted to cut me) i backed my way into the kitchen, grabbed a small bottle opener (this one was strangely sharper) and threw it at your mother as a defense while he wasn't looking.

as a moment of drunken rambling passed, he threw the knife at me and as i ducked, it impaled your mother. i grabbed you by the hand and ran into the hallway. in one of the adjacent rooms i saw another saw (your father must've been working on some projects again) and i immediately held it. we walked on needles into the kitchen and into the living room.. your mother wasn't anywhere around -- neither was your father. (where could they be?) we saw blood on the carpet leading behind the couch.

and as your father crept behind us, equipped with his own saw, through the kitchen (us, unknowing) he hit you over the head and in a split moment of panic i rushed myself around 180 degrees and nicked the side of his knee cap. as he fell to the ground and as you scrambled to the door, i could hear cops arriving outside the house (your mother must've gotten ahold of a phone and called, thank god). he grabbed at my feet and with the saw started ripping across my abdomen.. those small metal teeth scraping my clothes and pulling my flesh away like an orange peel.. i kicked the saw away and with my feet i pinned your fathers head against the wall and with an abrupt jerk to the left, i cracked his neck. i stood in amazement of what a spine sounded like cracking against force.. his eyes were still moving but he was immobile (at least i thought).

he reached for my saw a few inches away and that sense of dread rushed over me. that kind of hatred and disgustingly uninhibited rage filled me (overwhelmed me) as i grabbed the saw in my hand and held it against this throat -- i stared at him for a brief second (i could tell it was either going to be him or me that was going to die tonight, but only one of us was ready to kill to survive) and i yanked the saw across his neck with nothing more than a repulsive grin stretched across his face and blood spraying all over my own.

i fell back from the action and dropped the saw (oh, that metallic "CLING" as it hit the linoleum).. fragments of skin and muscle clung to that metal for some reason.. i looked back at the living room and saw you sitting on the couch and as i got up and walked over to you, i saw your mother through the window in the street stopping a police car as it arrived. i sat down next to you.

we both were at a loss for words, and again i noticed something peculiar about your emotion.. you were neither sad or confused. i stared off into the small crack of the doorway of your kitchen. all we could see was a widening puddle of red and an arm stretched across the floor.

i wanted to say i was sorry, but i think we both knew, deep down somewhere twisted and as content as it sounds, you were thanking me.

xxx

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xxx