today's my brothers 34th birthday. we celebrated yesterday by going out to lunch and having pizza at this super hippy gluten-free vegan restaurant in Nevada City, Three Forks (it's the only place he'll really go out to eat). he's moving to Idaho in a couple of weeks. since his divorce he's been left with overwhelming bills for living in the state of California, so he's decided to move somewhere cheaper. I don't blame him on that aspect, but the more social side of moving- him being away from familiar places/family/friends (the little he does have)- bothers me. he's deaf and very anti-social, which doesn't help with a sense of community and normal socialization. I used to live with him when I was 18 for a couple years and at least then I interacted with him on some level.. made him feel less in-a-bubble. but with him moving forces my parents to move (they've been wanting a cheaper place to live as well) because my father feels some sort of guilt for maybe not giving my brother the best opportunities in life. my fathers great and has been bending every which way to help my brother but sometimes I can't help but call him out on this behaviour. without my father, my brother would be a complete mess. a hoarder. with horrible social skills and beyond a low comprehension of every day interactions with others.

in a matter of 2 years or so, I'll be the last of my family still living in California. I think the distance to visit would be about 12 hours.. and I'm sure this will only bring a strain in the future when my father and step-mother will need assistance. it's only a matter of time.

so I'm not sure how I feel about everything. I love my father and brother. when we were driving to lunch, sitting in the backseat while my father drove, it reminded me of all the times we'd go out to eat when we lived back in Fremont. my brother signing to me over his shoulder while my dad and I talked a completely separate conversation. I really want to go back and visit where I lived/grew up. I think it would be the perfect 30th birthday gift for myself. but we'll see what happens (work-wise).

started watching a very interesting Netflix show called La Mante, (french for The Mantis) which is super interesting. did you know that after mating, the female praying mantis will decapitate and eat the male? badass.

anyway, I should probably start on some chores/making dinner. at least I'm off work tomorrow.

xxx