[.:remember the future:.]
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September 26, 2019 //_ 2:58 PM

it's been a couple weeks living in our new house.. well, maybe even a month or more? i'm terrible with numbers/time.. regardless, it's been wonderful to have a place we can call our own again and to see our little choonchie chitty adjust so wonderfully to the new environment. Spooky has really claimed the house as her own and even with guided tours of the backyard (it's gated but huge) she still finds interest in all the new little nooks and crannies of the place. I honestly think if we had stayed indefinitely at the apartment, she wouldn't have lasted much longer. But with all this change, she's thriving and that gives me strength.

and even with all this positive change in both Jordan & I's life, I still feel there's a small aching within me that unfortunately is starting to take it's frustrations out on our friend who is also living with us until her house is built (which should be a year or so). I know how selfish and ridiculous this sounds, but after we lost everything in the camp fire- it honestly feels like Jordan & I never get any time alone. I'll admit it, we had and still have our intimacy issues (all of my own doing) and since the fire we've spent every night (besides the very first night the fire happened) with someone else. it has been E X H A U S T I N G. I'll have to make a full post about the day the fire happened and all that transpired sometime soon.

Anyway, I'm a very sociable and likable person, but being around certain people for long periods of time basically drains me of any semblance of kindness (as I'm sure it is for most people). so when we finally got our house and were excited about the move and all the future things- there began a small itch at the back of my brain, reminding me that even tho it's OUR house, we still have to oblige and help our friend (who graciously helped us as well) .. I don't know what I'm trying to express, but basically I feel like Jordan & I haven't been able to feel ourselves for almost a year now because we're constantly having to tend to this friend.

they've been friends for longer than I've known Jordan so they have a built in accomidationship (that should be a word..) with each other, but I find myself becoming infuriated when they start to chime in on decisions that Jordan and/or I are making with the house. like, that's wonderful you want to tell me hanging this plant here isn't good cause it doesn't mesh with the mood of the living room but FUCK THE RIGHT OFF. if I want to hang a dumb plant for a small amount of time until we really undergo a full redesign of the room - THEN I WILL. and whenever they start their opinionated comments, it almost feels like Jordan sides with them .. which thus, in turn, makes me feel stupid. (i know it doesn't mean anything, but they're both Virgos and I'm a Gemini) so it truly starts to feel like I never get a say in anything anymore.

i'm so sorry this rant took place, it has made me feel a little better now tho.
I hope to update more often now that we're settled in (and I remembered we had a laptop..) I also finally started a new scrapbook of mine, sadly the original one burned in the fire-- but new beginnings aren't always bad, right?

btw, "Gone" by Charli XCX feat. Christine & The Queens is THE BOP OF THE SUMMER and it enrages me that for every listen I give it, I wake up for a week straight with the break down STUCK in my HEAD every MORNING.
..but it's worth it.

sending positivity & light.

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