WOW. Okay yeah I'm fucking pissed yet again, somehow I clicked something on that toolbar at the side of the entree page.. and fucking reloaded the page. What the fuck is up with this god damned computer. I hate this piece of shit so much.

Thank god I didn't type much.

Okay first period was normal. Second period was a little fun, we played bullshit [the card game] and I found out I have a 67% in Math. So if I get an A or B+/B on the final, I could bring it up to a C.. which would be just mag.

Guitar sucked, I'm going to do horrible on the final song. I have to play the song in under 3 minutes, and I cannot do that.. and I don't even have the tab with me now so I can't study, and I have to perform it tomorrow. So I hope KT will send it to me via email so I can practice.. yeah, so I'm gonna get a C in that class.. sucks a lot.

Then lunch was kinda fun. I forced Angela and Evan to sit with me and the other group up by the theater. I enjoyed it although I think Angela and Evan were bored. But hey, they don't make the effort -- they get what they put out. Can't help em there, just thought that if they wanted to be with me, that they could have fun with me over there. And I tend to feel more happy and excited when I'm with the other group, cause no offense but at lunch -- everyone, like Angela, Loretta, Evan.. Etc.. Are all fucking lazy they won't do anything.. And they just sit there.. and so I do the same thing cause I don't act excited unless there's a reason to be, and no one even exerts any effort or show any interest in anything probably cause they're tired by then.. but I'm not usually.. And at the other group they're always having fun and talking and stuff.. I like it there a lot more cause they actually are active and stuff. It would be fun if people would just start having fun but I guess not.

When we were sitting with the other group at lunch, I saw Loretta walking around looking for everyone.. Finally, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I bet she figured how it felt to be ditched. I felt bad for her, but then I didn't. She does that all the time whenever she can with Andy, and I don't care, I never really did, but I loved seeing the look in her face.. that look of, "where is everyone? I don't wanna be alone.." But then Evan left to find someone else and then Loretta spotted him and then she came over to hang out with us. But I didn't say one word to her.

But at lunch, I had fun talking to Kensey, Brittany, Emily and Julie. It was cool, I love talking to them. I ended up drawing a flower as a 'tatoo' on Brittanys shoulder.. And I signed Emily's yearbook. Then Kensey and I were flirting abit. It was reminescent of before, when Kensey and I were about to go out with each other. It was nice for a change to let go and just flirt.

Which reminds me, I got an email from Brittany which had some sayings in it, or quotes.. whatever. And there as one that really stood out to me, it was this:

"The worst way to miss someone is to be standing right beside them knowing you can't have them."

And that really touched me. It works for a lot of scenarios for me. Maybe a bit too many to mention. But it most promintely sticks out for the situation with Kensey and Jake. ..but I don't want to get into that.

Well, in Spanish I presented my 'el escuda' and I think I did well. But what happened before that truely made me feel more at ease. When the teacher called my name to go up and present, everyone was cheering. Haha, yeah it's true! They were like, "Yeah! Finally!!" and everyone was smiling and laughing [as in the kind of laugh like, "haha, now I can watch you present!"] and then I presented and I remember looking over at Jake and he was leaning back in his chair and staring at the floor. He looked cute but I wish he would've been watching me. But yeah, I had a few people laugh and have fun, I think that when I present I give off the influence of laughter and fun, cause a lot of people were paying attention to me and really getting into what I was saying.. and I actually knew what I was saying and everything. I hope I got a B or better on that project.

And so I guess that today I'm hoping to go over to Angelas [which hopefully will be in a few minutes] and we'll be working on our Health homework.

Then tomorrow I plan on having Trevor, Anthony and Angela come over to my house to go swimming and hang out [since its a half day due to finals] and hang out till 5, then go over to Trevors to practice with out band and stuff.

Then on Thursday, Angela and I have started thinking of going to Sunsplash and hang out there with Trevor and Anthony maybe. The plans are still in the works.. so yeah I hope we do something though -- it sounds fun..

Oh, before I forget, I remember at lunch, Angela pointed to the school newspaper which someone left on the ground, and I looked at it and guess who's picture I saw? Jasons!! He was on some quiz thingy or something, and it had a picture of him lifting up some girl.. haha he's so hot. Yeah, so I grabbed the paper but then Evan grabbed it and it ripped on the corner.. So I couldn't read what he said in responce to the questions but the picture was unharmed.. which I still have with me.. Teehee.. It's a cute picture though, I wish he didnt' have his hat on and his glasses off. He would've looked hotter. But it's all good. ;D

Oh, and that reminds me again, I saw Jason walking by when I was on my way to Guitar, and I saw him like point to something in the sky or something, and I saw his armpit.. haha okay, yeah so armpits are my other fetish, right along with legs. Wow, I'm a freak, but anyways.. He has nice arms and that's sexy in my book. I also saw Jason at lunch time too, and he was looking hot then too. As usual, I can't wait till next year when he's a Senior so there will be a nice colored photo of him in the yearbook along with a thing from his parents too in the back. I'm excited!

Aw, I just realized that the top 100 diaries thingy just reset to 0. I was just getting up there too! And now I gotta start all over again.. ::sigh:: I'll never make it to first place! No one even reads my diary, so it's okay I guess. Nothing gained nothing lost.

Well, I'm gonna call Angela right now, even though to you it won't seem like it cause I may be typing this now, but you can only read what I'm typing once I've updated. ;) So be right back.. like it matters to you..

Well yeah, I guess we can't do anything today. Angela and her unfaithfullness. Yeah, not the first time I've been let down. It's okay though.. used to it.

Okay, yeah so like yesterday, I'm going to talk about some sexual behaviour although today it's not going to be that bad, so you may read it if you please, it's not going to be bad ;) hehe. But if you're young or offended by homosexual content -- don't read.

****************************************

Well, yeah so lately I've been interested in Jason and Jeff. I'm still into Jake but yeah somehow I'm not just.. feeling like I need to talk to about his as much, since I've already done that in the past entree's. On with my entree though.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Jason and Jeff were to go out.. or just have a 'fling' per-say. Haha, yeah I don't like to incorperate myself in sexual fantasies, cause first of all its impossible for that to happen but with like Jason and Jeff, there's somewhat of a chance -- since they know each other. But yeah I keep going on tangents..

I wonder if they were to be alone.. and like have a fling what would happen. You know what would be really hot? If [haha, okay a bit descriptive/nasty coming up] Jeff were to give Jason a full on body massage naked. Wouldn't that be interesting? And you know what kinda turns me on, is if Jeff would lick Jasons nipples. Haha yeah that's right! It would be nice to see them making out too.. like at a movie theater.. Just watching how they "suck face" would be really hot as it is. Who ever Jason is dating or will date, will be hella lucky. He's a fucking stud, and I can't imagine how fucking great it would be to date him.. ::drools:: I would love to feel him up though. ;)

****************************************

Well there's my "Pervertedness of the Day" and that came straight to you from me. Yes indeedy.. I would post a picture of him here, but then again there's strangers out there and I don't have permission by Jason.. so that's not right. Oh and that reminds me about yesterday, I was on the phone with Angela and we were talking about children and stuff, and I told her that I dont like babies until their like 6 years old cause of the annoyance.. and I'd probably want to be away from them and have my partner take care of them while I'm away or something. And then Angela said, "Yeah, you could have a full-time job, and Jason can stay home and be the house-maid!" .. Hahahahaha. I thought that was hella cute. I can invision Jason wearing [nothing but] a maid outfit with a duster.. Haha.. SEXY .. Haha You know its true!

Yeah so I'm feeling burnt out. I don't feel interested in anything anymore. I just want to eat something.. go in my room and listen to music. I'm starting to just feel really bored and unsatisfied with things though. Like yeah, I'm really happy, I can't deny that, but there's nothing really to.. live for anymore? Jake really isn't considered a friend anymore cause he never talks to me.. Every guy that I like is way out of my league.. I'm falling behind on what I'm supposed to be doing.. I was supposed to see a counselor today so I can talk to her about Summer School cause I don't know if I'll make it out of Spanish, and I cannot take Spanish 1 again next year.. I CANNOT stand being in a class with new freshman.. I won't be able to handle that! I don't think I'd be able to talk to my counselor tomorrow or the day afterwards due to Finals.. So I have no clue what to do now. So I'll try to maybe fill out a counselor form out tomorrow during the break or whatever. I don't think that will be able to work but I'll try.

I'm talking to Brittany now on MSN. I just told her that I was bi and she's cool with it too. I told her about Jake too.. and how I'm feeling now. Cause I'm not feeling so content anymore. I bitch about this too much, maybe I have a chemical imbalance in my head or something. I feel like listening to Mandalay now more than ever.

Strange how when someones feeling really happy, another is feeling really bad. This happened a while ago when I was feeling really happy when I was begining to be friends with Jake and the new group, and then Angela went into her funk. And now she's feeling a lot better.. and now I'm not feeling so happy anymore. Not content anymore.

I just want so much more than this. I thought there would be more after all I've done.. but I guess there's nothing here for me, except for a bed and an unwanted prostitue whom carries the disease of depression.

Well, I'm blank. Nothing to say. I'll just go.

=->

"you know, there's still a sense
I have you've stolen these days
all your love is here

if love is given in to hope
you're fooling yourself
it's as if you knew all along

it's enough now, it's your loss now
it's just that I'm low
it's enough now, it's your loss now
it's just I don't know

you know, you steal the sunlight
how you steal your own scene still
oh no no, you're reasonable

if hope is given in to how
we need to be now
it's as if you knew you knew all along"

--"It's Enough Now" _ Mandalay