I finally have the internet setup in my room. I can't have it on all the time though [cause SBC will only allow one computer on the DSL at a time, which sucks but hey, whatever.] but it's all good.

Ya know, ever since I've moved here, I've felt like a part of me has been ripped apart from me. It's been torn and left back in the old house I used to live in. I don't think I'll ever retain that part of me again, it's been left and forgotten -- maybe for the best as well.. I guess I've changed while being up here. Everythings changed really. My rents are less stressed but more bitchy -- my brother is more friendly but more angry at certain things.. and well.. me.. I'm just here. No one cares to ask me how I'm feeling. No one cares to wonder what's going on in my head. Everyone assumes that the feelings I feel can't possibly be mature enough to consider.

I often wonder what it'd be like if my real mother was here. I look at pictures of her in the past before she passed away and she was beautiful. She was always smiling. Always vibrant and outstanding. I've watched old family videos with her and I together when I was just a baby and she loved me so much. Everyone seemed happy. The normal wonderful childhood that should've been there to stay but it all changed with someones idiocracy.

I bet that if Beve [that was my real mothers name] was still alive, we'd still be living in Carmichael. We would've been so happy together. My father seemed so joyful and lively when we were all a family. My brother was smiling a lot too.. him and his scientific theories and getting into trouble. And I always pushing the envelope in situations. I've always kinda been the loner in the family. When I'm around family [like relatives, not my family] I open up and I get social but once I'm at home.. I seclude myself in my room and dwell on what could and should've been. I know for a fact that I would've been a "mamma's boy" if my mother were still here. I just wish... oh, who am I kidding? Wishes never come true.

I guess that's why I'm so compasionate and caring. I have so much love and support here but no one to really unleash it on. The only people that I do give it to are my friends. I hardly ever lavish my feelings on my family members. My friends mean a bit more to me than my family [which should be the opposite] but through everything that I've gone through -- they haven't really been there [my family that is] .. like they've been here but .. I choose not to come to them. It's hard to explain.

I guess that's also a reason why I want a boyfriend so badly. It's something that would give me a reason to keep caring. It's something new to me but I am desperate to try things out. I know I complain about this shit all the time but .. there really isn't much more to say about the whole deal. I want a boyfriend. I would like to hope that I'll find one here at Nevada Union but I'm sure that will be kinda hard. I'll have to make tons of friends first and see if the people there are different than over at GBHS. I would think they'd be more accepting here but you never know. Once I make a whole bunch of friends and once I realize some of their friendships are worth the trust -- then I'll tell them about my sexuality. It'd be great if I made some guy friends and I told them and then they told me they were too or something. It'd be oh so much more easier .. but life isn't a map. Things are never pin-pointed and never come out right. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

And about my sexuality -- I don't even know if I'm that bi anymore. I like guys a lot more than girls. It's like this:

Guys: 90% .. Girls: 10%

And the girls that I like have to have the complete package, the personality, the good-looks and the overall feeling I get from them. I don't look at girls off the street and say, "Man, that chicks hot" .. I do that with guys. With the girls I'm more articulate and I want to get to know them first and then see where it goes. But trust me, I do get hard-on's from girls aswell. I've tried it with lesbian porn.

That's why I tend to have more female friends than guys.

1. Because I can relate with them with how guys look and don't have to worry about them freaking out.
2. Because guys freak out more than girls do with gay guys.
3. Because I get a bit hesitant to talk about my true feelings to guys than girls.

I dont know.. I'm trying to figure out things out for myself but I'll never know until I have a boyfriend for myself.