the past two days i've been picking white flowers from this tree next to my house. i'm not quite sure why i decide to hold onto them.. because i find them on my counter a few hours later shriveled and smaller than when i had picked it. something about taking something so beautiful and then leaving it to just .. basically dry up gave me the most sickening feeling deep inside.

this breakup has been so much harder than i had thought it would be.

it's been exactly one week since everything went down.. and he hasn't made ONE attempt to talk to me, contact me, or my friends in order to either defend himself, his actions or anything that happened that night. and this WHOLE week i've been completely devastated ..drinking every night just to forget -even for a couple hours- how badly this relationship hurt me.

not even feeling remote connections with things i used to love before. or even eating as much. sleep and getting out of a sober state were my only goals. and today when i returned to work.. it REALLY set in.

i wonder do i ever cross his mind? cos i can't seem to go 10 minutes without doing so .. and when certain songs came on my headphones while at work - i literally almost hyperventilated. like, HOW COULD HE JUST DISAPPEAR with NO goodbye or attempt to even defend himself *if* he wasn't guilty?? did the past 4 months mean absolutely nothing? has he already just moved on? and if he has i'm just stuck here in the middle of my life crying cos i can't seem to find any closure or reason as to WHAT I DID WRONG to have him cheat on me.

what's absolutely worse is thinking how long would it have gone before i would found out? OR WOULD I EVEN EVER FIND OUT? every time we fought (because of my insecurities and instincts telling me something was wrong) he NEVER ONCE tried to talk it out with me or fight for us to stay together. he flipped every situation to make me come, in turn, to him and apologize WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID. i realize this now that this is how he kept me on his leash. and i was all too blinded by infatuation to even notice anything. i allowed myself to get so deep as to hurt myself - and now i can't go back.

and as if all that isn't enough - i found more shady information that leads to the belief his whole identity is false. not to get deep with information but let's say i found old profiles under a different name.. photos that PROVE he photoshopped himself into them and even when i asked him where they were taken he LIED and told me he was part of a model agency in new york and knew those people.. texts that a friend later showed to me that he had been trying to be promiscuous with him WHILE HIM AND I WERE DATING and my friend wouldn't allow him to cos he respected me too much. it's one thing to cheat on me - but for me to later find out that you go by a different name and now i have EVIDENCE of your lies .. like- WHO ARE YOU?? this isn't how a fucking relationship works or how a break up should be!

i just.. feel like i'm on the tip of some RIDICULOUS ICE BERG OF DRAMA and it keeps getting deeper and deeper and i have this feeling the next time we see each other out somewhere .. it's gonna be just like the titanic and there's gonna be no survivors.

what did i get myself into? and can i please just get out?
xxxx