|January 04, 2017 //_ 4:37 PM|
this year i'm going to start out by addressing the problems i know of internally and actively seeking to solve them to better my life. and the first thing to go is alcohol. and it only makes it worse that the last night of twenty16 i allowed myself to drink into a blackout and somehow manage to survive, but not without hurting someone. and that someone was my boyfriend- someone i care about the most ultimately.
have you ever blacked out and upon waking up, have a feeling of dread or worry unlike any other feeling- and most concerning of that feeling is not understanding why or how it's there? that's how i spent the first day of this year feeling: waking up feeling worried, unsure of what had happened and urgently wanting to make things better. so i immediately started conjuring up plans of making breakfast for everyone and having a comfy, relaxing day in.. and as my boyfriend awoke- the story started to come out.
we got a friend to DD us back from a party, where i had definitely drank wayyy too much, we dropped a friend off, where i somehow puked in their apartment complex and upon getting home, puked again. i became incoherent and started to pass out when i then began aspirating (which has become almost a "normal" thing for me whenever drinking) and once my boyfriend finally got me to the bathroom to try to throw up- i came conscious and apparently started being very rude to him. belittling him even tho he was just being a good boyfriend.
and him being the sensitive person he is, got upset and planned to take a blanket and sleep in his car- which didn't work out since it was freezing that night. all the while i just fell back asleep and forgot the whole incident. until that morning when he told me.
i immediately felt embarrassed. then super depressed following that.. how could i had been so rude to the man i love that he had felt that leaving was an appropriate response. which it probably was. my concern lies in the instant where i decided to disregard him and become so .. not myself.
i can't live like that anymore. living between weekends where i just drink a handle of whiskey and gorge myself on food only created a cycle of despising my image, my self worth and my attitude while feeding the hurt ego in me by trying to justify drinking as a solution to feel better about doing it to myself in the first place.
so i've started No-Drink-January that my boyfriend is joining in too and from there, moderation will be key. i feel pretty optimistic .. but yet again, it's only been 3 days.
i'll have to make another, more positive entry soon. but for now..
fuck twenty16 and i'm going to make twenty17 amazing.