it's funny how one choice can lead into another and you find yourself in a new mood.. a new thought.

i had previously come here to attempt an update but once i'd get a couple sentences typed out.. i'd just delete it. 'how trite..' 'too metaphorical..' 'not interesting..' i kept reasoning with my own self deletion.

so i decided to utilize the 'users online right now' feature (which i do from time to time and am so often let down) to get some inspiration and came across a profile who is private but from their buddy list, i found a profile that really intrigued me. not even knowing a THING about this person, i found a connection. i read a couple entries, found some very similar writing styles (like how i used to update waaaay back in the day) and it gave me hope. and inspiration.

i didn't even know that's what i was looking for.. but it was. and now here i am. so thank you mystery guy.

i'm listening to two songs on repeat at the moment (to set the most amazing mood):
DJ Koze - "Illumination (feat. Roisin FUCKING Murphy)" and "Seeing Aliens". Roisin's collaboration just came out today and of course I'M FEELING MY GODDAMN OATS.

today's my day off, so i've basically resorted to getting coffee, putting on our new oil diffuser with a couple sprays of RuPauls Glamazon, having the door slightly open on this windy/rainy day and fantasizing about strutting around in a kimono with Spooky our cat prancing alongside me.

i also recently noticed i've been on diaryland since November 2, 2002. that's 16 YEARS. and it never fails that once i attempt to re-read some older entries i immediately abandon the whole thought due to the overwhelming naked-ness and embarrassment that emanates from it. but maybe i should embrace it.. the most detailed entries show a side of me i've since abandoned on here in exchange for metaphors and ominous references. i mean, i know what i'm referencing but to the reader or guest, it probably comes off as boring and trite.

so i'm going to give regular updates a chance again. let my freak flag fly high and maybe i'll feel more connected to myself in the process.

starting to just seems so.. scary.

xxxx