|bones + longing.|
|March 22, 2019 //_ 1:44 PM|
my father and step-mother have sold their house and are planning on moving to Idaho this year. the very house they built from their own planning and sketches which became what I call "home" as I know it now. it was my sanctuary and hell from my sophomore year of school till I moved out with my brother 5 years later. the decision to move is understandable, California is too goddamn expensive and they finally paid off the house and want to have a better retirement. my fiance and I are going to help move some furniture for them next weekend.
it's going to be a really dark time for me, I can already predict. my brother has already moved to Idaho (my father still holds some guilt regarding him- which I wouldn't be surprised if that's the *main* reason my father wants to move there- but I won't get into that) and once they move- I'll literally be the only one in my family living in California. sure, I have my mothers side of the family/relatives but I rarely get to visit them (mostly cos of my horrible self-inflicted guilt) and what really leaves me feeling lonely is the thought that I won't have that opportunity to go visit when my life feels like it's reeling out of control.
whenever things would feel like they're unraveling, I would just go on a day trip to visit my dad. go have lunch, visit our dog, Jake.. just spending time in that house always made me feel protected in its walls. like an invisible hug, a rush of happy memories. and when they move, they not only make it harder to visit but they take that comfort with them.
and I already feel out of place living in Chico as it is. sure, I have friends. do I ever hang out with them? not yet. and now that our house has been destroyed by the Camp Fire-- I LITERALLY have nothing of myself left. I have a package of photos in a ziploc bag our friend grabbed off the counter when rescuing our cat before the fire. to be honest, I still haven't even looked at what photos have survived.. but I do remember they were photos my fiance set aside for some reason (as being too cute) when I had gone thru 1 out of the dozens of boxes of photos I had.
it makes me want to cry just thinking of looking thru them.
so, I guess this feeling won't leave anytime soon.