i don't know where to start.

a couple days ago, we had to put down our sweet baby Spooky. she had begun showing signs of advanced kidney failure (losing weight, drinking a lot of water, having minor accidents, losing energy) and we had to make the call to ensure she doesn't endure any more pain.. she was still socializing, still purring, still eating some.. but we just knew. and deep down i believe she did too. and i'm so, so so glad we were able to do it in the comfort of our home, in the space she felt most safe and secure.. and with the people who love her surrounding her.

she was the last piece of our life together that survived the Camp Fire.. and she brought us so much love. it still all feels so unreal. like we're on vacation and she's just not around. and the house just feels so cold. so empty of life.

i'm trying to keep things positive, but my brain keeps wanting to bring in thoughts of "what if she could've lived longer?" and "what if it was too soon?" .. we all know it was the right time. and this line of doubt tries to inflict a guilt that can only be defended with reason. she could've already been in pain, for who knows how long, but towards her last days it was clear she - as well as we - were losing control.

and i know things will become softer with time.. but for know, this blade cuts deep.. it's like one moment being calm and normal, and then immediately something will trigger a thought and the whole world crashes.
everytime i walk down the hall and look over to her little nook where she used to sleep.
everytime i hear a light click-clack on the floor, just like her little toenails used to make.
everytime i wake up and think, "time to feed the choonch.."
everytime we get ready for bed and think "time to give the choonch her meds.."
everytime i get up from the couch and attempt to get a choonch-check (where i would basically go lay down next to her nook and playfully coerce her out to hang with us).
everytime i want to go check my wyze app and snoop via our camera on her sleeping.

i can't thank her beautiful spirit enough for giving us so many memories.
we miss you, and we love you.. Spooky.
10.31.2002 - 06.04.2021
xxx