Today was supposed to be a good day! I'm so pissed.. I was hoping for a nice day - but the weather was cold.. I was hoping that I'd feel different - but I still feel the same..

*sigh*.. The whole day I kept thinking about how unfair my life is. Actually - life itself isn't fair.. People don't get what they deserve.. And I think [not to sound conceited] that I deserve someone to be there for me - as a lover. Now, I don't mean sexually cause that's the last thing on my mind. I just really want someone to hold me through these times.. In-fact, if I had someone to hold me - I wouldn't have these fucking times. Through everything that I've been through I believe that I should feel the emotion of being loved in return. I know my friends love me but its not the same love as I want from JM, JH or JL.. Ya know?

Yesterday, I had my friend over and she was going through a hard time with her ex-boyfriend and I know she feels really bad but the whole time I wanted to break it down to her how LUCKY she has it. With me - it's completely different and what's sad is I would give up everything - friends, money.. ANYTHING for JH ... Even JM or JL.

I'm a very caring person - and with the people I love, I tend to guard them from everyone else.. I'm very defensive when it comes to the people I love - even if they don't know how I feel or that I even exist.

I just wish I had ONE chance.. Just ONE fucking chance to try and get together with them.. but that's the thing.. I can't and I never will be given that chance.

I'll have to live with this hurt till something happens - so basically, I'll never feel better about this..

I look at JM and JL everyday.. and just think to myself how beautiful they are.. I wish I could be their friend. I mean, if I had the chance to be their friend or nothing at all - I would jump at the chance to be their friend. Cause getting to know them and talk to them whenever I want to is better than just wishing I could do that. But then, my friends [or most] don't seem to understand my dilema. All of my friends can get a boyfriend or a girlfriend - but what I want is something that's out of the question... *sigh* It sucks.. And it hurts more than you can imagine.

=->