Last night after I had typed my diary entree, I went to my room and put on my burned CD, which were all mostly depressing songs, and just kinda mellowed out.. I sorta blacked out after an hour but I woke up on the floor twisted in the headphones and I got up and saw that all my photos of Jon Hoopes were scattered across my room.. Luckily I woke up at 3 AM and was able to clean up the mess before my dad could come in to wake me up.. I don't know what happened past 12:00 last night.. Frankly, I don't really want to know.

I'm just still wondering about Jake. I know he's on a hike today.. Probably won't be online 'till later tonight.. I just want to talk to him.. I think that all of our conversations online end with some big note - right before we can really get a conversation going ya know? It's just tearing me up inside knowing that there's a possibility that he doesn't have anyone there for him.. Obviously his family doesn't care for him since they continually yell at him - but what about his friends? What does he really think about everyone? I just want to know the answers and let him know that I'm here for him, doesn't matter if we're not close friends or not.. I still want to be there for him and I am here for him. ...He just doesn't know.

I think I'm planning to go over to Angela's house today and walk over to the Lake that's near our Jr. High School but as I think of it now.. I don't really want to bitch about my problems to her.. Cause I bet that's whats gonna happen. We'll probably end up talking about stuff and I don't know.. I think she's getting tired of it all.

Ya know what's really pissing me off? Is the fact that 2 weeks ago I started to feel really good about myself.. I felt like I was a normal person - I was dealing and handeling my issues pretty well and I saw no point in being depressed, but look at me now.. Just took 3 sentences to bring me down. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm actually depressed cause Jake's depressed.. And I'm depressed cause Kami's depressed.. Everyone's attitudes are affecting mine and I just kinda fall with everyone. I mean, I usually just feel what I feel but now it's like I'm feeling for 3 different people.. It sucks to worry about people.. Especially when you love both of them so much.

About Kami, I'm not sure what's exactly going on with her.. I read her diary and she said she was feeling good today and didn't wake up feeling depressed.. So I don't know if I can do much to really help her.. Except talking and understanding what she has to say.. That's about it.

With Jake.. It's different.. Cause I can't call him up and start talking to him. He's like a stranger almost, but I'm learning so much about him. I'll have to just grab my shyness with both hands and just make it subside into the depths of my gut cause I can't take it anymore.. I talk to him online but it's like I have a problem talking to him at school. Yeah, sure I talk to him during Spanish.. But we never really.. Talk ya know? We don't get into conversations.. But hopefully after this weekend, Jake and I will talk a little more and on Monday I'll talk to him about some issues.. Ugh.. Believe me, I'm trying my fucking hardest to talk to him.. But like I said - Evertime something big pops up, he has to leave..

I just hope that he'll be fine and if not, I could try to help him.

I don't know what else to say without repeating myself.. I'll update later today... My love goes out to my friends and Jake.

My quote of the entree... It all makes perfect sense why I love this song so much right now...

"Dark Blue" - No Doubt

I'm tired from exploring you

I'm sorry you've had some scary days

I'm lucky, they had me on a leash

Exposing, sometimes you frighten me

And it's too bad you're so sad

I wish you could have had what I had

I'm loathing most of your history

Hesitation, but then you siphon me

Your potential, well I'll indulge in that

Violent timing explains the aftermath

And it's too bad you're so sad

I wish you could have had what I had

And it's so sad it's too bad

Maybe I can make you feel better

Oh maybe I'm supposed to make you feel better

I want to comfort you

Unlike you I had it easy

You're dark blue Stained from previous days

And you're so sad

It's too bad

I wish you could have had what I had

And it's too bad you're so sad

Maybe I can make you feel better

I'm sorry