Okay.. Yeah.. I'm just gonna talk about everything, no need to organize.. I'm too confused as it is already.

The thing that is really buggin me.. and well making me feel really emtee and worthless is the fact that I found out today that Jake performed for his P.E. class by unicycling and juggling and my best friend Angela got to see it. I dont know.. but when I heard this from her.. I LITTERALLY heard my heart fall out of my chest.. Cause it's the fact that I wanted to see him perform.. I really did. I wanted to see him do what made him feel good and now the time's come and gone.. And the chance for me to have seen him has come and gone. And I'm getting so fucking pissed off with myself cause there is SO many times that I could talk to him; That I could try and become more of a friend with him but I continually reject these options cause I'm so fucking shy... And sooner or later all these fucking chances are gonna leave me and I'll never have the chance to even try and attempt to anymore.. So I really gotta processs that in my head that I need to make due with the time I have. I seriously don't see why I'm so shy, it's just that right when I'm about to talk to him, I can LITTERALLY feel my heart leap out of my chest. It's that feeling you get when you're in the presnce of someone you like/love. I can't describe my thoughts about Jake to you - but they're really deep, and they don't matter unless you're a friend of mine.

But anyways.. that little thing with Jake kidna just made me feel like shit. It's like, your friend tells you that they dont like this one guy, but you really do, and the guy you really like starts to flirt with her.. ya know? I'm not saying anything but it feels like that type of situation.. I just wish I was there.

Anyways, my rents are having issues with me.. Now I guess my dad won't let me do the things I want anymore.. He won't let me get the clothes I want cause he says "they're all innapropriate" and "they're all causing attention to you when you're not all that interesting" .. He really said that. And I overheard a conversation with him and my step mother and they basically said the usual.. that they don't care about me and I guess now I know for a fact that my step mother never really cared for me and doesn't at all. They discussed this for a while but by the time I heard that I just went back into my room and just got so pissed off.. I coudln't really deal with it but I just swallowed it up and just kinda.. made it subscide, ya know?

That kind pissed me off.. I guess my rents don't trust me and don't really care for me. But what's crazy about it all is that I don't care about them that much either.

I just can't stop thinking about Jake and Jeff... They're so... I don't know.. It's hard to say... But I keep squandering all the chances I have to become a better friend with Jake.. but wouldn't it just be all easier if I could just come out? I wish I could, but I don't think I will come out until I know for a fact that I have my friends there to support me.. So far I only have one friend 100% behind me [as far as I know] which is Angela, Kami and Loretta are at 95% right now.. I don't think I'll fully trust them until they settle their issues together.. But yeah.. Angela is there for me.. But I'm not sure how I should come out.. I think I'll just tell Jake and Trevor that I'm bi and they'll either accept it or they won't, if they don't then they were never really a friend in the first place. *sigh* I don't know anymore.. I want to come out, but I know there will be some sort of whiplash thats negative.. there's bound to be something like that happen.

Um.. There isn't anything that I can think about typing. ..But it's getting close to 11:00 now... One of these days I'm gonna type all about Jake and another day about Jon and another day about Jeff .. Just all about them and stuff.. I still have lots of stuff to get off my chest.. I'm feeling that blanket of depression slipping over me now.. I should probably go sleep.. Sleeping tends to be my only escape fro mthe reality of the normal day.. It's sad that I have to resort to that.. But it's true.

I'll update tomorrow...

"Is this what you wanted? This is what you get.

Turned all your lives into this shit.

You never accepted me or treated me fair,

blame me for what I believe and I wear.

You fucked yourselves and you raised these sheep,

The blue and the withered seeds you will reap.

You never gave me a chance to be me,

Or even a FUCKING chance to just be.

But I have to show you that you played a role

and I will destory you with one simple hole.

The world that hates me has taken its toll

but now I have finally taken control.

You wanted so bad to make me this thing

and I want you now to just kill the king.

and I am not sorry, and I am not sorry,

this is what you deserve...

and i am not sorry, and I am not sorry,

this is what you deserve..."

--"King Kill 33*" - Marilyn Manson

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