Today was not what I wanted it to be. There was no talking to Jake - only meer coincidences when we caught each others eyes and maybe a few words here and there as an offbeat. This wasn't what I had planned... and all of it is my fault.

I never seem to take the inititive and just talk to him normally. I had many MANY chances to talk to him formally and just kinda talk about whats going on? But what do I do? Nothing.. Cause I'm a fucking shy guy.. I had the perfect chance to talk to him alone too!! Right after Spanish he was walking out of the class and I was right behind him and I could've SO easily went up next to him and said "Hey, what's up" but even when I ran that by my head - I was afraid that he wouldnt' wanna talk.. I'm always afraid that if I were to talk to him - that I might over-do it and annoy him.. Or maybe I'm not talking enough. I don't know! I wish he would talk to me too.. It would make things easier.. cause at least he doesn't have romantic feelings for me.. Cause I do for him - and that gets in my way of having a NORMAL friendship. But tomorrow, I'm going to talk to him during passing time and ask for the Sadies pictures. Also, I hope to talk to him tonight about it and maybe he'll remember himself and find me and give them to me.. Never know.

I guess that on Friday - my Spanish class will be a 2 hour long (an hour longer) class and we'll be bringing in things for a party I guess. That should give me some time to talk to Jake.. Hopefully things will co-insign and I'll be able to talk to him, in person, about stuff that we would talk about online.. Hopefully his other friends won't distract him - cause when I see him with his friends, it makes me loose my inititive to talk to him cause I don't wanna interupt him and get him ticked off at me. Ugh, there's just so many things that race through my mind in order for me just to say, "Hello" to him..

Oh, and in Spanish - he showed everyone and I how he can do this thing where his left ear will go up, then the corner of his left eyebrow will go up, then the middle of both eyebrows will go up, then the end of the right eybrow will go up and then finally the right ear will go up.. It was soooo fucking cute!! It was like a wave!! Hahaha.. I was so amazed at that! hahaha. It was so cute too. He has this great smile.. It just makes me wanna giggle. It seriously just makes me feel so warm when I see him smiling and laughing with people - even if its not with me. It's just so cute!

I swear, I'm trying my hardest to put beside my shyness and the wall that barricading me from communicating with him - but it's a bit more difficult than I had realized. I mean, it's so simple yet so difficult for me to do these things. I just need some time.. Hopefully by Friday I'll be fine with it all.

I think I'm just too hyped up on this love craze. I can't help it if my heart jumps a beat when I talk to him person. I can't help it that I jump up with glee when he signs online. I can't help it that I love him. But I have made a promise to myself that I'll make a better and clearer effort to talk to him more often. And this is a promise that I wouldn't break.

I guess I'll go. I hope Jake will come online later tonight..

"now I can trust you now

as I feel at ease

how lost in you should I be

now I can see you clear

as the day begins

how lost in this should we be

share and say you'll bring

to me deep love

you can't say that it's

too soon to say how you feel

now as I touch you here

as the day begins

how lost in this should i be?

share and say you'll bring

to me deep love

you can't say that it's

too soon to say how you feel"

--Mandalay, "Deep Love"

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