[This entree started at 4:36 PM]

Well.. For me, Today was really really fun. Health was boring.. I wanted to just fall asleep and never wake up in that class. It always tends to be the first period of whatever I have for school is the class that I rarely enjoy since it's so close to when I just woke up.. And I don't get much sleep at night even though I've been trying to go to bed at like 10:00 PM now. But it doesn't seem to really help with things.

After Health.. Just kinda walked around to Math and stuff.. Nothing big happened in Math.. Cept I took a Quiz which I think I only missed one problem on.. So I hope I got like an A or B on that Quiz. And we're doing stuff in Math right now that I totally don't understand.. This fucking sucks.. Cause I need to get this shit figured out before next week [cause by then we'll probably have a test on it] and I need to get an A on that.. I have to bring my grade from an F to like a C.. I NEED to. Cause if I fail Math then I have to take it over the summer - and I might not be able to take Psyiology [cause I need to have a C- or better in Math to go into that class] and just.. UGH. fucking everything is fucking sucking..

While outside of that.. My social life is soaring. I'm like.. I dont' know. I'm not going to boast though cause it's nothing to boast about.. I mean.. You could have all the friends in the fucking world.. and they could love you dearly .. but you can still feel lonely. And I feel that.. I can feel the emtyness grow inside of me. But things are going well for me. I've gained a lot a friends within the last 48 hours and just.. Lunch is like the best time ever. But I do acknowledge that my friends [Loretta and Angela] don't feel the same. I think that they're feeling like they're loosing me cause I'm [seemingly] spending more time and attention to Kensey and Emily and whatnot.. But I don't think they get the whole picture.. I hang out with them all the time.. In the morning.. Passing time.. Lunch.. After school.. At home.. On weekends.. The only time I have to spend with Kensey and Emily and everyone else is only at lunch. You have to put things into porportion.

I still haven't talked directly to Jake. But hey, I've talked to him a bit in Spanish and stuff.. I also talk to him online and stuff.. So I'm not bitching about anything. I'm satisfied with what I have right now. But things could always be better..

And Guitar kinda sucked today.. Katie forgot the 2 dollars she owes me and I was depending on that for my lunch.. And well it just wasn't a good period. And Spanish was boring. We watched a movie and didn't even do anything.. I was like "UGHH!! SAVE ME!!" cause I wanted to talk to Jake or something in that class.. But yeah, can't change what happened. But tomorrow I guess he's gonna break up with Brittany after lunch so then I'm gonna ask him in Spanish.. So I hope that tomorrow will be a better day than today. Cause today was great -- but I would really really feel a lot better if Angela and Loretta would just .. Do something.

I know that they feel like they don't belong but imagine how I felt when I first was gonna hang out with them?? The same fucking way. You just gotta get yourself out there. I could understand if you weren't feeling up to it but things won't get better until you put yourself out of your comfort zone and just do what you need to do in order to make yourself happy. And that's what I did and now I have a lot more friends.. And so far they're great but they'll never replace Angela or Loretta.. I want them to know that. :) I'm not that kind of a person.

Okay, Well now its 6:10 from when I started the entree. I had left after I typed that previous paragraph to go to dinner. But yeah, I'll continue with what I was gonna type before.

Today at lunch I had talked to Kensey about Religion and I told her I was Agnostic and she said "oh! That's what it means! I'm Agnostic too... now I know what I am at least." But yeah, my thoughts on the whole Religion thing is:

I don't believe in the kind of God described in the Bible. I don't believe in the Bible. But what I do believe is that there is a higher being. But I don't believe there will be some big - REDEMPTION DAY - thing where people will die according to the Bible and junk. I just don't think that will happen. But like Angela stated in her diary [and what I've said repeatedly for a long time] what if Jesus was a madman? What if the people who wrote the Bible didn't even actually see those 'dreams' and made everything up? Who is to believe that they themselves weren't insane? There really isn't any evidence that those things occured anyway..

Anyways.. While I was in the car with my Father coming home from dinner.. I saw this girl walking down the street and she seemed like she was about 13 years old but the way she looked and acted.. It just made me wish I was young again.. To be carefree.. To not have all the problems that I have now.. Lifes complicated now and has all these things going on.. For me most of them are easy but when something wrong happens its usually big and breaks me down. I don't know.. That girl just brought something out of me that I thought I wouldn't think about randomly from just seeing her.

And while I was thinking about this, the song "BBK" by Korn was playing. The song kinda talked about childhood and stuff.. it was kinda strange. But yes - the rumours are correct - I'm finally regrouping into the wonderfull life of being obsessed with Korn again.. as you should see by the new template.. WeeeE.

Oh, and I remember on the way to dinner.. I saw this black crow sitting on the telephone wire.. just sitting there. And I was thinking to myself.. "Why does my heart always seem to simulate itself to the common black crow?" I mean.. My heart is constantly in the state of remorse for itself. I love hating myself.. There's nothing left for me to feel about myself. People say I look cute.. People say that I'm attractive.. But if that was true then I would have a girlfriend. Or someone attracted to me.. And my heart is constantly black.. It flys in the sun in a pathetic attempt to show off its colors only to return to ground knowing that it's still the ugly.. dark.. incondescent black bird. Never again will it seem to fly - oh, so deep in the sky. Just felt like adding that in..

I can feel myself slipping into my old fillthee ways again. Of being that person who comes home from school -- turns on his Korn CD -- and then curls up in a ball in the corner of the room, murmering the lyrics and trying to make any sense out of my life. I can see myself being led up this cliff.. Only to be shoved off into the barricading jagged rocks of despare and penetrating the very basis of being led up the cliff. But this time around I'm going to try and make the best of it all and possibly try to prevent me from falling. I can't possibly have that happen with all the great things going on in my life now.

I read Angela's diary [her new entree] and I'm glad that she's feeling better. It really makes me feel at easy knowing that music [the main reason why I love living -- probably hers too] made her feel better. Music is such a wonderful thing. It brings out the best moods in us -- and yet can bring out the worst in us.

I feel like there's a million things I need to type in here but the thoughts just aren't coming to me..

Well.. I really like Kensey and Kelsy now. But I believe I remember Emily saying that Kensey has a boyfriend already. But Kelsy doesn't.. But why would I ever think that I have a chance with her? She has like this .. thing about her that makes me just feel so comfortable and stuff around her. But I'm not going to make any moves on her until I know I won't be making an ass out of myself.

Sometimes I wish there could be a place I could go to just sit and watch the sunset. I want to observe a sunset sometime.. Just the thought that seeing the very thing that dictates when our lives takes place -- going to bed itself would be a site to see. I would also like a place to go for myself to just kinda sit and just think about things. I could do that in my own room but I find myself trying to get away from it at times cause when I'm in my room -- sometimes I have to condense what I'm doing in order to appease my rents. Like the volume of my music -- bass playing -- writing poetry -- talking on the phone.. etc.. But don't get me wrong.. My room is my sanctuary to get away from things.. but it'd be a lot better if I didn't have my rents looking down at me all the time.

I feel like writting a poem.. So.. Read if you feel up to it.

I saw a rose today

It danced radiantly with the sunlight

And captured the very escence of life itself

The water would drip and cascade of its ever-growing beauty

But although it was beatiful on the outside

It was flawed and ugly on the inside

It lacked pride..

At the end of the day

It lay withered and limp.

What once stood was no more.

And what once was, cannot be.

Wow, that poem made me feel a bit better. Anyways.

I still feel as if I'm forgetting a lot of things.. But I guess I have to let go in order to receive.

But before I go I would like to just say.. Doesn't it suck when something happens and you say something stupid.. and then like a week later you think about it and the PERFECT thing to say comes to mind.. But it's too late? I was thinking about the time I told Jake that I was bi and when he replied with "yeah" I should've been like: "Wait.. So where's the 'eww, thats gross!' stuff??" So I could've continued the conversation with him.. But no.. Instead of that I changed the topic.. And there was another time when I talked to Jake online.. When I should've said something else but I can't put my finger right on it. It slipped my mind. But yeah. Just a lot of things are going through my mmind and I feel as if I should've stated what I needed to say differently.. But I can't change the past but I can dictate how my future goes. And I've just now made a promise to myself to talk to Jake more and just get out there more.

And.. [haha.. wow I keep stalling so when I'm typing hopefully I'll remember something else to say] I have a letter just for Angela in here.. So if you're not Angela you may read it but it doesn't concern you so it shouldn't matter.

Angela--

It's okay.. You don't need to appaulogize about how you're feeling. Everyone gets messed up [emotionally] and they just need time to sort out things.. There is no appaulogizes needed here. Cause anyone who would accept that appaulogy is self-centered cause it's not their issue how the other person feels. But I'm very glad to hear that you're feeling better. Even if you still feel crummy [or like a slug.. hehe] I would really like you to TRY to socialize tomorrow.. I mean it's gonna be Friday and I just want you to socialize like I do with everyone at lunch. Just try it.. Put your feelings aside for a few minutes and just talk to everyone. Get into everything and make your imprint on the conversations at hand. I promise to you that you'll feel better knowing you've lended out a friendly hand to everyone else. I know I felt that way when I took the chance of hanging out with them. But also be sure to ask your mother about tomorrow -- Staying after school and then like.. Getting help from my Math teacher then like walking home or .. something. I'll call you later tonight at around 8:00 or something but if I don't -- call me.. And remind me to call Trevor too.. haha. Okay, Oh and one more thing Angela.. Know that I love you. :) ::o.d.-hug:: [online-diary-hug ;D]

end of Angela note

Well.. Oh!! I got big news!! I've gained back my thrill to want to play bass now!! I always get this way when listening to Korn cause they were the ONLY reason to pick it up in the first place.. Reggie [the bassist from korn] is just outstanding.. I just wanna look up every bass tab from them and play them like all night. Well.. I'm glad that I'm feeling this active right now. After I do this I'm probably gonna head in my room and focus on [finishing my Math homework.. ;D] my bass lessons from the past and just kinda chill out. Tonight is all my night.

My dad's rushing me to get off.. ::pushes anger/frustration deeper into self::

Well.. Today was like taking drugs. It had its highs and its lows. But overwhelmingly it's left me craving for more. Life [at the moment] is addicting to me and I just want to live every second of it before this feeling(s) subside inside of me. But I must say that things are going great and I'm just looking forward to tomorrow.

Let me find a song to put into here. It's going to feature Korn.. So here we go!!

[Just as a side note: My father isn't making me feel so confident anymore.. He's been telling me .. well basically reminding me .. how I've made promises and later broken them and never gone through with my wishes and my plans/goals.. But I'm working on them.. It's just taking longer than I have expected.. but they will be done.. Like me working out and buffing up.. and me working on the bass.. So his little attempts to bring me down and make me feel quilty have failed.. hate to say it father.. but you're not getting to me. :)]

"Every day it gets a little harder,
can't seem to get away.
I remember there's a certain place, a place I wish I'd stay.
I feel so lost within - pressured, I'm headed for that day.
Just one thought in my head, really. Do I need this fame?

Every time, god damn, I look at my seed, I see something I can't be.
Beautiful and care free, that's how I used to be.
Like some god damn fucking freak, I'm so pressured, I'm so worried,
Something takes a hold of me, something I can't believe.

I lay in bed at night and wonder, should I go on this way?
It's the only thing I really got for now, and it's called fame.

So I see this face so innocent and fine... so divine.
So I see this face and I realize it's mine."

--"Seed" Korn

Well.. I guess this is a good enough entree. I'll update tomorrow. Have a good night/day [tomorrow] and just try to make the best out of the time you have. ;D

=->