Kensey broke up with me this morning.

She walked over and asked if she could talk to me alone.. At first I thought she was going to talk about yesterday or the mistakes I've made the past.. But I was wrong.

She told me how she didn't want to be in a one-sided relationship.. Where one person was being serious about it and the other one wasn't.. And she said she was in a realtionship like that in the past and she told me it's best to tell the person how they feel as soon as they can before things progress.. And she was feeling like I was the person giving in too much and taking things too seriously.. While she wasn't really looking for something serious.

While she was telling me this and explaining.. I kept thinking in my head, "I've ruined everything.. Why did I have to do all that shit?!" and "Please don't break up with me.. We can work this out.." but instead of me voicing my opinion at the time.. I felt too hurt to say anything.. I was speechless.. Then she said, "I think we should break up.." .. And I felt my heart sink into my gut.. I didn't know what to do.. So instead of asking why or objecting.. I just agreed and then she asked for a hug.. I gave her one and I realized all the things I'd be missing out.. Then she was about the leave when she turns around and says, "we're still friends, right?" and I told her, "Yeah, sure" and so then she said, "see ya later then.." and then I went back to my friends who strangely all gave me a hug [except Anthony.. but I dont care] and I was surprised that they knew.. I didn't say anything.. After that I asked if I could just be alone for a while.. And I just left them and went to the stairs and went behind a pillar.. On the way I felt a tear fall from my eye.. And I never thought I would be so hurt in my life.

I sat there and thought over and over what she had told me.. It didn't make any sense to me.. We could've worked things out.. Things could've been great.. What about my happiness? What about all the fun times I was looking forward too?..

Then I started crying.. I didn't stop for what seemed like years.. But in reality it was about 15 minutes.. The bell rang and I got up abrubtly as if someone slapped me and still crying headed to my first class. I was feeling sick to my stomach and I just couldn't concentrate.. All I could think about was what Kensey told me.. And all the things that went down the drain with those simple 6 words... "I think we should break-up" ..

In that class everyone was asking me what was wrong.. And I despised them for not knowing.. I was angry at them for asking me questions.. But in reality I was angry at myself cause of my mistakes.. Sometimes I wonder if I would've just been cool about everything.. If I wouldn't have written her that note.. If I wouldn't have told her "that I was just getting what I could.." .. If things would be different. I know they would've.. And therefore I hate myself.. I just fucking hate myself for doing this shit.. I've created something and then brought it to ruins within a short period of days.. It was all my fault for this hurt.

I CAUSED MYSELF THIS HURT

And no one else has any part in it.. Not even Kensey.. I was so dumb that I fell too fast for Kensey.. I was so dumb that I cared too much for Kensey.. I'm not good enough for her anyways. She's better off without me. I always do this.. I ALWAYS ruin things.. Things never seem to work out.. And no one seems to want to reason and give things a try.

I honestly think that Kensey made a premature decision.. We only went out for 3 days .. And I already gave her 3 disappointments.. I just wish we could've talked things over instead of her making the big choice to just break it off.

And after first period I went to Math and I saw Kensey on the way over there. I didn't say anything. It would've hurt too much to talk to her then. I went to Math and didn't do much.

Then I went to Guitar and Katie asked me if Kensey and I had broken up -- and I told her yes and she hadn't talked to Kensey in Spanish so I don't now how she found out. And in Guitar I decided I would talk to Kensey during Lunch. So after that class ended, I waited for her outside of the choir class and she wasn't in there. She had already came out and left her backpack where we would usually sit but she was gone. I asked Brittany, Julie and Emily where she was and they didn't know.. So I just hung around and then Kensey came back and sat down next to Julie and brittany was laying down. She didn't say anything to me.

But I did notice that when she looked at me.. she had this.. the most saddest expression on her face when she looked at me. I felt as I had broken up with her when she gave me that face. But I know now that she was worried how I felt. After a bit of not talking and stuff.. I saw Brittany turn around to Kensey and tell her that I had wanted to talk to her. Then when Kensey looked at me with that same expression.. I kinda mumbled.. or kinda tried to get the words, "can we talk?" out of my mouth.. but it was just air.. But somehow she knew and she got up and we walked to the quad and we talked about things.

I didn't know what to say.. So I just let what I was thinking and how my heart felt just come out.. I had to be honest with her. We talked a while and she gave more explanations as to why, and I told her that I had wanted a second chance.. That I knew how she was feeling and that if she gave me the chance things would be different.. And better.. And that I didn't know how she felt therefore I didn't know how to act.. And that I actually liked her and that the reason why I was acting so strange and stuff was cause this week has been the greatest week I've ever had and I just didn't know how to react to the whole situation.. I was too excited.. And she told me that what I had wrote in the letter was something that she said she would never want to feel in High School. Cause she knows that relationships in High School won't last [usually] and I told her that I knew that but we had only been going out for a few days.. But I guess it was too late to change her mind.

It had begun to rain then.. And we continuted to talk in the rain.. Then she remembered she needed her backpack and she got that and then we walked over towards the math building and I asked her one more time for another chance.. But she told me it'd be better off if we were just friends.

I didn't feel like arguing anymore.. I was loosing a battle that I had never won. So I just gave in to let go of her.. and I gave her a hug.. Knowing it would probably be the last one.

We then walked back to where we had dropped off our backpack and she continued to talk to everyone around us.. I didn't say anything. I wanted to get away somehow and cry but there was no where to go.. Angela and Loretta had left to go find Andy.. So I just stuck around and didn't say anything. And now I can't even look Kensey in the eyes without feeling hurt. I'm sure the feelings will go away with time.. But it still hurts for me. And I don't think that I'll be able to talk to her straight-on without feeling myself for a while..

But I'm going to try my hardest to feel better by Monday. Cause on Monday I want to just be myself and I'm still going to hang out with Kensey, Brittany, Julie, Emily and everyone else at lunch.. It'll just be like when I first started to hang out with them. Just I won't be with Kensey. I want to show Kensey that I completely know what she was talking about and just let things go.. And who knows, things may change in the future.

But I'm almost completely sure that if she were to come up to me tomorrow and be like, "I'm so sorry Jeff. I was thinking about yesterday.. And I take it back. I want to go out with you again" or something.. [which I'm almost 100% SURE she WON'T do that..] that I'm not going to accept cause what she said today was the honest truth.. and if she were to feel differently then she would be doing it out of pity. And I don't want that at all. I wouldn't mind sympathy - but pity is different. But then again.. If she were to ask me out I might just accept for the sake that I miss her terribly. We may not have done anything.. But the emotional attachment that I had with her is torn.. And if we were to go out again -- I'd show her that I wouldn't take things seriously and stuff.. But I know now she's happy. And that's all that matters to me.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I'll probably say "Hi" during lunch.. but I don't think I'll hang out with them tomorrow. I'll probably feel worse about it tomorrow.. cause things are still kind of settling in.

But it was all my fault. If I just would've done things differently.. things wouldn't have ended like this..

I HATE MYSELF