Wow, just found out that Jake's online, and yet again, he isn't online for me. I'm begining to realize that maybe he HAS blocked me but wont admit it. I don't know how to feel.. I'm feeling emotional but I'm not like freaking out or crying or anything. I'm just pissed off that he would do that. I still don't know for a fact if he has, but Lauren told me that he's online right now, and guess what? I looked online and what did I see? Him not online for me. I don't know what to think.. I think I'm just gonna talk to him tomorrow when I can, maybe if I talk to him in person it'll clear up any bad thoughts he may have of me. I haven't done anything to him. I've been NOTHING but the BESTEST friend I could be to him. I've done nothing wrong.. But there was one thing today that I saw that makes me wonder..

At lunch time, I came to where Angela and and Loretta were sitting after I had talked to another group, and when I was sitting there, I glanced over at where Jake was and I saw him talking to this one guy [I don't know who it was] but suddenly he pointed in my direction and then the other dude turned around and looked over at the direction Jake was pointing at [which was where I was] and then they started talking about something. I don't know if he was pointing at me or if it was coincidence, but I've seen him do the SAME exact thing about a month and a half ago at lunch when he talked to Steven Marichini. I remember it distinctly.. I dont know if it has anything to do with me or not, but since I don't know if it does or not, I'm gonna go for the worst possible scenario and assume that he was. I don't know why.. I'm so confused about this.. I really want to talk to him, and I really do like him.. I don't get why he would block me or talk about me or anything. It seems like just the other day I was talking to him and he was saying how he admired me and how cool he thought I was. I remember that distinctly as well.. where did things change? why did they have to change? What did I do? Why is he acting this way? ... I simply don't know.

I'm not sure if I want a party anymore. Seems like too much work and with Jake like this.. Yeah it doesn't make me feel so happy and stuff. ::big sigh:: This really sucks, I'm so pissed off at myself, I know I must have done something really stupid.. Maybe I scared him off by talking to him too much? Wait, I barely talked to him at all.. And he doens't seem like the kind of person who would block someone.. Maybe his computers just fucking up? Who am I to say? But I don't want someone to ask him for me cause then I'm afraid of how he'll respond. I just don't know anymore.. I think I'll just talk to him at school in Spanish about something and hopefully if he DID block me, he'll UNblock me.. but I just don't get it.. [I keep saying that..] How could things go SO great and become so great and then all the sudden.. be denied that happiness and to find out in such a harsh way. Like I've said before, I'm kinda ignorant with whats going on with him.. so I dont know.. But it crushes me, thats all I know for sure.

"Your softly spoken words
Release my whole desire
Undenied
Totally

And so bare is my heart, I can't hide
And so where does my heart, belong

Beneath your tender touch
My senses can't divide
Ohh so strong
My desire

For so bare is my heart, I can't hide
And so where does my heart, belong

Now that I've found you
And seen behind those eyes
How can I
Carry on

For so bare is my heart, I can't hide
And so where does my heart, belong?"

--"Undenied" _ Portishead

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