It's in these very hours in the midst of the mourning air that Lou comes to me. I wonder if there's a reason why it's so early? I wonder why he can't just come anytime he wanted? Ah well, it's best that I don't see him until the wee mourning hours anyway.. It would be ideal..

Anyway.. just about an hour or so ago my good ol' friend Angela and I were talking to these online bots that were not people but would respond like humans. We had so much fun. I was literally pissing my pants laughing so hard.. It was so great.. Oh, how great it felt to laugh with these lungs.. to smile with this face.. to love with this heart.. I think it was one of the biggest moments of bonding we've had since I've moved and all that. It was just so incredably funny. My bot doesn't like me though -- he's a hooker. But they sure are amusing.

What's the basis of happiness? To feel complete in life? To make everything else not match up in comparison? Who wouldn't want to be happy? But then again, who truely is happy? I don't think one person anywhere can say they're happy 100% cause that just doens't happen. There is always something that makes someone not complete. There are always set backs.. always negatives.. It's human gratification at a default.

The feeling that I usually tend to feel is a mixture of loneliness and depression. I know this will seem like a pity rant.. and maybe it is.. but I'm just trying to get who I am out front and open.

I've been known to get suicidal. I don't know.. I take things that don't really matter and exaggerate.. "My god! He blocked me! It's the end of the world!!" [Angela should know plenty about that and I because of Jake] and stuff. I guess I really truely am an attention whore. I crave it. Everyone does. It's all a huge competetion to get your time in the spotlight -- the very spotlight that I've been in way too long. People just can't put me out. I'm an endless flame. A solitary flame. My solitary flame.

I guess the reason why I want attention so badly is cause I'm trying to make up for the lack of attention I used to be neglected when I was younger. Which isn't right.. It's just I always have to constantly feel ackknowledged and needed or I get pissed off or very depressed.

I don't deserve the attention. Exactly what have I done that is so worthy of all of your attention? What have I done to make you all so interested in reading what I have to say? Since when does my writing matter? Since when do I have a creative mind? How do peoples diary mean more than others? What makes my words so important? How exactly do I touch people? Since when did I appear on the first page of the top 100 diaries?

Don't get me wrong, I feel very greatful and appreciative that people come to my diary to read what I have to say.. cause I love the fact that I can be heard and touch other peoples minds, hearts and emotions.. but I'm nothing special. What makes anyone special? Achievements? Looks? Intellegence? Personality? All of the above? I just don't know anymore.

Only the ends of the red will show you my blue side.

=->