Guess we all sorta knew this was coming.. the fall back down from so rarely walking across the clouds. Seems like I've been smashed down into the mud.. Things outside of me are going great, but back inside my little mind and what my pleading heart is calling for.. things are being torn.

School's fine. That's not what's eating me up inside.

on the stairs she grabs my arm, says whats up, where you been, is something wrong?.. i try to just smile and say everythings fine says:
hiya
Tiny Dancer says:
hey i can't talk now
Tiny Dancer says:
sorry
on the stairs she grabs my arm, says whats up, where you been, is something wrong?.. i try to just smile and say everythings fine says:
okay
on the stairs she grabs my arm, says whats up, where you been, is something wrong?.. i try to just smile and say everythings fine says:
bye i guess
Tiny Dancer says:
sorry
Tiny Dancer says:
bye

Guess one of the reasons for even coming online was just Xed out. I am starting to let myself down by these pathetic little attempts to make things happen with Danny and I .. and I'm trying to get things started with Ty but.. doesn't seem like things are going my way right now. Like you saw earlier in a convo I tried to start with Danny -- he's too busy. You know what? I think I'm gonna email Danny .. if he's busy he can just read the email and stuff. Eh.. I don't know. That seems a bit weird. Ugh, I just don't know. I always do this to myself.

Smile, don�t complicate my time. Smile don�t ask me if I�m fine.. My world blown down, there is nothing that words can say.. Smile, no doubt I�ll keep my pride.. But it may be hard to find.

But outside of my slowly deteriorating heart, my friendships are going good. The same guy from Math that keeps .. kinda talking to me saw me today as I was about to enter Math class and patted me on the back and said [and I quote], "What's up, stud?" .. Now things are just getting awkward :-/ but I could care less, he's cute. :D

*sigh* I just sent an email to Danny.. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm desperate to meet him.. oh who am I kidding? I am. I suggested that we should go to a movie or hang out sometime. I hope he gets it sometime while I'm still online and then emails me back or comes back online.

It's kind of sad really. I look around and I see a lot of people with their lovers.. making out.. or cuddling.. or holding hands.. it's the inevitable. You can't avoid the sights. I just wish that someday I can experience that.. and experience in the way it's supposed to be and not have it wind up to be a lie.

It seems like these days just .. go by. I enjoy it while I'm experiencing it, but there's always that drowning feeling slowly flooding my mind.. reminding me I'm still alone. And the reason why this issue is repeatedly brought up in my entries is cause I don't like to be alone. There are times in my life when that's is what's ideal for me and my mental health but sometimes.. I just long for a hug.. or to be kissed. I've never been kissed. I've never had a Boyfriend. I've had about 5 girlfriends in all but only 2 of those I felt were REAL relationships and could've worked out. The rest meant nothing to me.

Anyone who has read my past entries and kept up to date with my life knows that this is just how I am. I'm extremely emo. I give my heart away to so many people each day only to find my heart tattered and torn by the end of the day when it really didn't need to be. I put myself through SO MUCH agony that is VERY unnecessary and yet I still do it. I still put myself on the line to try and get someone to respond to my bleeding heart. It lies flat out on my hands and is open for anyone to take it.. but maybe that's it. Maybe this heart doesn't have a call to respond with. My love is a bleeding Polaroid that doesn't seem to come clear enough for someone to notice just what it is.

It's funny. I find myself starting to slide back into my old habit of shoving myself into my coffin and letting the outside reflect something completely opposite of what I'm really feeling on the inside. It's not great, I know, but why should I act how I'm feeling when no one around here wants to hear that. No one wants to see that. If I acted how I was feeling I'd be either in a corner at school with my headphones and scribbling out unreadable words or just not there. I don't feel like I really want to be here anymore. I would tell people how I'm feeling but I know that if my words process through their minds .. they'll try to change things to fit how I'm reacting and I don't want that. Things should be how they are without my disruption of words and feelings. "& your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow.."

You know something that I hate? When people talk to you and they think that their problems are so big.. and so detrimental they forget that there are people out their with far worse situations.. and what I wouldn't do to have them switch shoes with someone else for one day.. but I'm not saying anything about nothing. I'm saying nothing about something.

"Oh, my heart can't carry much more,
It's really, really aching and sore,
My heart don't care anymore,
I really can't bear more�

My hands don't work like before,
I shiver and I scrape at your door,
My heart can't carry much more...
But you couldn't care less.. could you?"

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