Hmm.. I read Angelas diary which she was talking about feelings towards friends and stuff. And I wasn't offended by what she stated about me. She basically stated that I might have changed since the move, like I've put on the "I don't give a shit" attitude. And you know.. I somewhat have but she was refuring to the whole Loretta deal. So here's the beef..

When I started moving and stuff.. I told all of my friends.. except Loretta. I have no clue why.. just didn't feel like talking to her about it. Looking back on that now seems pretty shallow and self-centered of me, since she had no clue about anything. But I try to live without regrets.

Anywho, Loretta told Angela to tell me that she was mad cause she had no clue about me moving. I understood that, and in responce, I told Angela, "Well, fuck her." At the time, and I still somewhat am, at the point where I'm just like.. I don't know. I would like to tell her about it, and I would still like to do things, but things have gone on way too long for me to really go back and make a difference. At the time I was just annoyed with a lot of people (refuring to when I was first moving) .. I was annoyed with Kami at the time (I'm not anymore, she's turning out to be a real, true friend of mine now), Loretta and Trevor. It was just a thing that I was feeling. I just felt like I wanted to be alone on the whole moving process, even if I did talk to everyone else about it -- I was doing it cause .. I don't now.

I guess that didn't answer much now did it?

But lemme tell you all something. I'm not in a state of "I don't give a fuck" where I only hear what I want to hear. I don't think I have ever been like that. In the back of my mind I knew about how Loretta was feeling.. and just sometimes I get mad at stupid shit. I was mad that Loretta would be mad at me. I mean, she could've easily called my house during that time. Or drove by my house to say hi. Or asked a friend for the phone number. And those things may seem to be "going out of the way" but how far would you really go for a friend?

But I do understand Lorettas perspective. And I guess I really am truely sorry about not informing her. I still feel bad about it. I'll probably end up writing a letter to her sometime soon. I think I have her address somewhere. But what I would like to happen is for me to go down there one day and to have all my friends and I hang out. Including Loretta.

Subconsciously, I guess the reason why I blocked her out of my life for that time was to try and get back at her for ignoring everyone else and I while she had her fun time with Andy .. and all that other stuff. There was a period in which Loretta was ditching friends for Andy and then with Kami came a whole isssue.. which ruined a few things.. but now have been repaired. In that period I just wanted to be with friends who I loved, like Angela and Roxy.

But it's not like I've been the only one who has changed. Let's keep that in mind next time we spill emotions and thoughts without a given basis.

I guess I should take time to talk about my true feelings of friends too.

Roxy -- Nothing has changed with Roxy emotionally. I still love Roxy. She's still the wonderfully fun, caring and supportive friend she always has been.

Kami -- Things have gotten a lot better with Kami and I. We talk all the time online (well, whenever we're both online) and we have laughs and everything. She's really starting to prove herself to me, and I'm glad to see that happening.

Angela -- I've kinda had the lingering feeling that since she came back in Minnesota that she's changed.. into the person she really is. It was a difference to me though cause I was used to the sugar-coated Angela. Which probably isn't good since it proves I never really knew the true Angela deep down. I still feel she isn't clear about her emotions and feelings to me.. which I can't help. It's all up to her. But we still talk. Things aren't like they used to be though, that's sure.

Trevor -- I've lost contact with Trevor. On my behalf. It's just like the whole Loretta situation. But it's not like I'm the one at complete fault. Trevor has my phone number too but hasn't called me either. But I will be calling him when Christmas Break comes up or something. I still wanna be a friend of his, a person like Trevor doesn't come along enough in life.

Loretta -- I still feel bad about the whole thing. But I don't regret it. Haven't talked to her since I moved. I probably will end up writing a letter to her though. It'll probably just make her more mad. I know I would be.

Hmm.. That's about it. I didn't mean that offensively to any of those people. I don't think I even ripped on anyone though. So I guess that was pointless as well.

Well, nite deers.

xx =->