I don't know why I really have this diary. Oh wait, yes I do. To bitch about the world and my little problems as if the world itself will end.. until my little hearts content with its aches and pains .. until someday I can find an antidote to these thoughts .. these feelings.

I'm begining to hate a lot more people than I usually do at school. I can now pick out the homophobes from the accepting people. And let me tell you, it's pretty fucking annoying to have people come up to you asking, "Hey, are you the butch one in the relationship?" .. "How's your bitch doing?" .. "Are you gay?" .. "What a faggot." and all those ignorant phrases straighties throw out to try and damage my pride. I don't give a fucking shit what people say, but it does effect me.

A guy in my English class was going around telling people I was gay cause he saw me holding hands with Jeff. He really pisses me off, he acts as if he knows everything and is the coolest person ever when in reality he's a bald, fat, homophobic piece of shit. He deserves to be hit by a brick then ran over by a truck more than 2 times.

Then there's also this asshole who was talking to Jeff and yelling out "faggot" .. "fudge-packer" and all this shit right in front of me, Jeff was replying with simply, "Homophobe" and he would said "damn fucking right, faggot." in responce. It pissed me off and I just grabbed Jeff and walked away. I hate assholes like that. Fuck them.

In PE I asked the teacher if I could play my CD in class while we played badmitton and she said yes, so I gave her my Portishead "Dummy" CD and we played the first track and this dude comes up and is like, "Are you Jeff? Is this crazy shit music yours?" and I was like, "Yeah.." then he left.. Everyone didn't like the CD, thought it was "gay" and wanted "something bettter." It really enraged me that people couldn't be more open to other genres other than the fucking Misfits and Disturbed bands. They're not that great, they don't have much complexity. People Children honestly are so stuck up on what's "cool" now-a-days they don't even realize what THEY themselves favour. It's all rap or punk. *points middle finger*

I just talked to Jeff on the phone, his little 12 year old homophobic sister was appaulogizing to me for pissing me off. I talked to her before and she would ask me if I thought Vin Diesel and Colin Farrell was hot, I told her yes and she would be all like, "EWWW, So sick." and all this shit, I mean, she is 12 years old but she should be taught to be accepting of different people. I really hated her from then on, thus causing me not to call Jeff on my own cause I didn't wanna deal with his sister. But now she wants me to go trick or treating with them.. and I can't. I don't want to. I want JEFF to come with ME.. but I guess he can't. But I'm not going to ditch my friends for just them. I already have plans to go with Jessi, Katie, Nik, Sara, Jessi's friends and all them .. then go see the Rocky Horror Picture show at the Magick Theatre. So.. I'm sorry Jeff, I like ya a lot and all, but my friends matter a bit more than a relationship.

While we're on the subject of Jeff.. Things with Jeff are going pretty well.. Today at lunch I was getting really claustrophobic (I've been feeling that way a lot lately) and I just kinda left Jeff and layed down on the grass and stared up at the tree and sky. Jeff didn't notice for about 10 minutes, and before he came over Jamie came by and layed down with me. Then Jamies friend came over as well. Then Jeff came over and all that. After a while I was feeling better and got up. I held onto Jeff (like his waist and stuff) and was leaning on him.. I'm just feeling really pressured to have to kiss him.. and I don't want to rush things. I know that right now, I'm not IN love with him, but I do love him. Love, for me, is like caring for someone, and I care for Jeff. There's a difference here.

I also talked to this one chick, I think her names Ellisy or something, and she looks just like my real mother before she passed away. She's not old looking at all, she's VERY pretty and sweet. She's a cool girl, she just moved here and is into all the old school rock. She's really nice. =) I find her the most interesting person at the moment.

What's kind of setting me off is the fact that Jeff and I haven't even talked alone since we've gone out. I don't know his birthday.. I don't know his favorite band right now.. I don't know if he likes guys or girls more.. I don't know how and when he found out he was bi.. I don't know a lot of things. One thing I do know is that he needs to learn some grammar skills, his writting is horrible, it confuses me so much that I have to read it more than once to fully understand what he's trying to say. And I can't stand people who can't use grammar well enough to comprehend it.

*sigh* I'm just feeling like I'm suffocating in my own space. Schools not going so well, and I'm not doing so well, but my social life couldn't be any better. I just .. I'm making things so hard on myself, and I can't stop it all. I have no control over anything. I'm feeling unstable; slippage.

It looks like you won't be staying long, given the time and place, you look a lot like her.

xx