Still not supposed to be online.. but guess what?! No ones home. Sandy left to some teacher thing and my dad left with his friend. Woohoo for me being alone and the computer already on.

CRUSH(ED) UPDATE:
I went to a football game last night with Sara. Before we went to the game we went to drama rehersal and talked with Eric a lot. He's a great guy.. Sara and I both agree he has to be at least bi .. And he's coming over today and I'm going to talk to him about it. Long story. But back to my update. After that, we went out towards the game and on the way found Jessica and Anthony (who, by the way, is fucking cute as hell, something about his lazy eye) and talked for a while. Then we got kicked out of there .. so we went into the game. I was hoping that Jordan would be there, but for the first hour I didn't see him around so I didn't think he was. Then as we were talking and all the fun stuff, I see him walking down with friends from the stands down where everyone socializes. Earlier that day I had written him a note explaining that I'm not a freak or a stalker (cause of instances in which Lanna made comments to him "from me") and that I'm not what he would expect, and had Lanna give it to him -- he read it too. But whoa (tangents), and yeah, I had made a promise to myself (like I do with every guy, Angela can guarentee that with Jake) that I would at least say "Hi" or something .. but did I? No. Sara and I noticed he was looking at me a lot, we counted to about 13 then stopped .. okay more like forgot to keep counting cause I was freaking out.

Then I saw Katie walk by and say hi and guess who I see with her? Jordan. So I'm like "WHAT THE.. KATIE!! HEY!! COME HERE!!!" .. so I talked to her, and she went off and talked with Jordan -- Sara and I walked off with Jessica and Anthony .. then I found her again and she told me that he said it's cool, he doesn't mind a guy liking him. And I just KNOW that he's trying to make it easier for me to talk to him, but the thoughts in my head are always screaming at me not to be an idiot. And turns out I just end up doing that anyways. But as we were walking by (Sara and I) Jordan looked over at me and as he was about to look back (his head moved) at his friends, he couldn't get his eyes off me and kept staring at me as I walked by, I was walking next to him, which made me feel so awkward. And alas, what should I have done? Said something. Did I? No.

Long story cut short: Jordan was waiting for me to talk to him, but I was too chicken shit to do anything. Sara and I got kicked out 2 hours before the football game was actually done cause "we were in hot water" and "2 of the 4 people that were kicked OFF THE CAMPUS earlier" .. when she never kicked us off campus, just to get away from the cafeteria when Sara and I were with Jessica and Anthony. Sara and I were fucking pissed.. I wanted to seriously, punch the living CRAP out of that old hag .. we had done NOTHING wrong. I payed 3 fucking dollars to get in there for the whole show .. I'm not going to get into this. I was mainly using my anger at them as an excuse for cutting the chances down for me to talk to Jordan. I swear, I would've gotten the courage to talk to him.. well, no one can be sure now cause I wasn't able to stay longer. >_<

When I got home (after staying in the drama place and then talking to Eric afterwards) all I could think about was the events of the night. Anthonys eye (haha, aw, he's adorable though) which reminds me.. Anthony was acting SO WEIRD around me. Like.. I was so uncomfortable about him so many times.. Like when he was talking to me, he would be like .. RIGHT there next to my face.. and there would be silence and I was like "....O_O...." and he also hugged me (like a hug somebody would give you if they liked you) and then he was like "You're like.. I'm not that *pause* way..." and then started talking to Jessica. Then out of no where (maybe 20 minutes later) he turned around and was like, "Are you gay?" and I said, "Yeah.. Oh wait, was my RAINBOW SHIRT a sign at ALL?" (I wasn't wearing one, just a joke) and yeah.. I don't know. Sara and I both noticed how he would move closer and closer to me when we would talk .. and all these awkward moments.. It was weird alright.

Moving on though.

SCHOOL(SUCKS) UPDATE:
Uhh.. I don't know about my grades. All I know is I have a shit load of homework to do. I'm not doing good in Spanish still.. I tested in Music Lab and passed.. so I think that grade went up. Why the hell do I have to take a foreign language when I'll never use it? Everyone hates mexico anyway. (I'm just kidding)

APATHY UPDATE:
I've been feeling pretty.. Meh-ish lately. I'm not DEPRESSED (May I remind you, I hate that word so much, it's used WAY TOO OFTEN for attention) and I'm not HAPPY. I'm just fine. I've been looking out my window, while listening to music, and watching the rain fall.. getting all these ideas for poems and such -- but I just don't feel that mood to write. Well, I do, but I'm lazy. So it counter-balances. I think that I'm just getting caught up in my SOCIAL life than myself. I don't think I've ever understood how a headache feels (cause I just don't understand how those types of things are supposed to feel) but I think I had a major freak attack a few days ago. Everyone was talking to me (literally) about everything all at once and all I could do was just walk away. I'm doing better now.. and I've realized .. there's two types of anger problems, people have:

There's the person who gets frustrated and yells their anger out at whatever is causing them irritation
and
Then there's the person who gets yelled at .. continually, but never retaliates back, and keeps that anger/frustration deep within them until finally .. something snaps.

And I just don't know. I think I'm more like the first person. But there's a lot of things that I keep inside of myself cause I have empathy for others.

Anyway.

(BE)FRIEND(ED) UPDATE:
Jeff is acting like a bitch to me. I really dispize of him now. I don't want to know him. I regret the day I met him. And Daniels trying really hard to go out with me -- but I just don't feel for him as he does for me. Like I said, I go for the straight guys, which often isn't that great of a thing. But I want what I can't have. It's always been like that.

THOTS UPDATE:
I'm going to try and take some time off every night to just sit .. and think .. about what's really going on in my mind. I know what I have to do.. and I know what must change. But will it? I don't expect so. But my goal for the moment is to talk to Jordan and prove to myself there's no reason to act like I have been. I also need to focus a lot on school. But lately I've just been feeling .. melancholy. That's the word.

But I don't think I'll be able to update anymore. I've (whoa, had the urge to say "been blessed to update" .. screw god..) been happy that I can update like I have. But I need to bring up my grades in order to have my computer back. So .. I have 2 weeks .. Homework sucks. Ass.

Cheers deers. xx