"i reckon i fly highest when my feet are planted on the ground."

i haven't really updated in a while. i feel like something�s changed and for some reason the things i once really enjoyed doing .. don't matter .. or mean nothing to me now. but i love this place. and i love feeling better after typing things out.

my jesusmas was distorted. i had to suffer through the most uncomfortable time of my life at my step moms relatives house. no one would talk to me. i was sitting in a chair behind everyone in the living room. no one looked at me. and i was so close to just getting up and walking to the car and just sitting in there when this boy came up to me and talked to me (cause my step mom made him) and i got mad. but it was for the best i guess.

for j-mas, i got:
[x] a drum machine
[x] Requiem For A Dream & Fight Club DVD's
[x] 8 pack of batteries (score!)
[x] lindsay lohan poster (haha!), the JoJo cd (muahaha), some white/black eyeliner and pink blush (for my eyes though)
[x] Hooverphonics "Blue Wonder Power Milk"
[x] over 90 dollars and over 100 in gift certificates

and with that money i bought:
[x] Bubble Boy, Pi, A Home at the End of the World, Elephant, The Good Girl and The Ring in DVD's
[x] Snow Patrols "Final Straw", Bjorks "Post", TLC's "Now & Forever: The Hits", Goldfrapps "Wonderful Electric" DVD
[x] a cd holder case that holds 264 CD's!!

and i think that's about it. and i realized if i had all the money in the world to buy everything i ever wanted: i really would be happy. ..duh? cause i would have everything i wanted. (and yes, i realize that money can't buy me love.. but for a couple million, would you love me?)

and there's been something that�s been gnawing at the back of my mind. but when i take a shower to bring it out, i can't seem to scratch that spot to reveal what i've really been thinking. i mean, i really know what it is, but i can't seem to sort it out. get it out of my mind.
to help me fall asleep faster.

cause for the whole break we've been having, i've been going to bed around 2:00 and there is a reason for that. the reason for this seems to bring a smile to my face whenever i talk to it. i may only have realized its existence for a couple of days, but i feel a connection. through wires and telephone frequencies and through the words typed when thought about.

"all good things must change, and i'd fight it.. if i could."

sometimes i wish clarity could be heard in my voice. sometimes i'll forget words .. and silence may settle in but never for long. not long enough to cause a moment of comfort and serenity. i just wish this secret could be held close at night. a momentary glitch under my finger tips.

i don't really want to go to school tomorrow. break has been nice, but i've formed some bad habits. i want to see my friends again.

"today i ran for miles .. just to see what i was made of."

and just because some clock has told me it's 12:00 in the morning still doesn't justify the deletion of what's happened in the past. it's not like i'm going to magically forget whatever i've done. the mistakes i've made and the faces i've "erased" still linger somewhere. and i could sit here and lie to myself, bribing my mind with false ambitions and hollow resolutions (cause we all know they never get accomplished) or i could just cry and let everything go to the way side. and i could look you in the eye and say i loved you but for every time i cut a flower to put in your hair was another time i stabbed someone else in the back. i'm not going to tighten this rope, but could you help push me off the chair?

"got a boot full of dreams and a pocket full of reasons not to stay.."

and as i type these meaningless words and thoughts through this dirty keyboard, the snow begins to fall to turn the soaked pavement to a slate of gray cloud-shine. its times like these where i feel i should walk into the middle of the street and lay flat on my back and just stare at the sky. letting go of everything. i'm not an adult. i'm not a teenager. i'm not a child. i'm me. and i don't want anything to do with this. anymore.

"and all along there was a need for change, and so i thought i'd better leave this place.. when all i had to do was change my mind."

and you could talk to me as if i meant something.. anything to you. and you'll still lie to me, and i'll still pretend i believed in you. just like old times. (just like always.) and if you were fall asleep next to me one of these days, i'd stare at you through the covers and just watch you .. (just like i told you.)

"this year we'll make ourselves believe in everything. i don't know about you but i've had enough of trying to live through doubt."

xxxx