i started my first job the other day at Raleys being the cleaner in the meat department. i had to

: spray down the whole room with soap
: clean out the machines
: move raw meet
: take out the trash
: compact all empty boxes
: clean certain tables and areas
: spray the access meat on the floor into drains
: take out the remaining fish in the showcase
: move storage plates in the back
: take out all the ice in the showcase
: spray hot water in the showcase to melt the ice
: move all the fish into the freezer and cover them
: & some other shit

so when i first arrived for the job, i had no idea what to expect. i had this guy constantly on my back telling me what to do (which made me feel so claustrophobic) and i was so overwhelmed with emotion .. i penned it all in the back of mind. i was supposed to get off at 9 but the guy was so messy, i got off around 9:40.

when leaving, i decided to run all the way home. all these raw emotions like the meat i had to clean that day, came like a force pushing me down that hill. now that i re-think about it, i wasn't just running home : i was running away from my problems.

when i woke up, i was so insanely upset. i didn't want to go to work again, i called the store manager and asked to be re-positioned but he told me to stick with it. then i guess my step-mother over heard my phone call and came in and talked to me about how first jobs are always overwhelming and new .. that i should stick with it ..

and while her mouth was opening and nothing was being heard - i felt this wave of empty just flood all over my body. i began to cry - not in front of her of course - i waited till she was out of my room for that. but i had not fully cried like this in months.

i felt like no one was listening to me.
i felt like i was stuck at a dead end.

i didn't eat anything today. i wasn't hungry. and i wasn't hungry yesterday either. i realized ever since work started i've lost my apetite. not cause of the meat, but because that job has ruined my emotional status and is fucking with my mental. i hate responsibility.

today i went to work and found everything to be a LOT easier. i knew what to do and how to do it (mostly), and when someone would tell me what to do, i'd do it and they'd leave .. and i was able to work ALONE. and that made me feel all so much better. the guy even gave me a 20 minute break where i went to subway and talked to a friend of a friends about my job and her possible job there - then went to starbucks and got myself a drink. it was to be the only drink of energy i'd gotten all day.

i cleaned out the room and while the guy was gone, i ran out of the store to be done. i said i was finished at around 9:00 .. even though i think i was supposed to work till 10. oh well.

i feel better about my job. i'm glad i didn't just give up. and now the money aspect is back into focus and that's all i want now. the job doesn't matter much. my emotions seem to be coming back normally, and i'm definetly not as distraught.

although this time, i walked my way home. :)

xxxx