thinking about getting old and dying makes me process too much. i know i don't want to live past 65 but i wonder if i'll have the guts to kill myself or have someone kill me. its that looming threat that there's nothing after this life.. and even if there was, would we know it? what if when you died, you became born again, as another child - on the other side of the earth, and since you never remember your childhood - you never remember you lived before that life. you would never know you were this person and all the things you've achieved. if we really have souls, do they travel someewhere? do they explode with energy and become a part of every other living thing on this earth? is there a heaven? and if there is, i sure as hell know there isn't a spot for me there. is there a hell? and if there is, what is it like?

i'm not religious. i don't belive in God or the Devil. i don't believe in heaven or hell. i just want to know what's after all this. the fact that everything is unknown is what sets me apart. staying alive is all i know - and i'm afraid to jeopardize the only feelings i know to be real. do we ever really die? have we already died? will we all someday still be lingering on this earth when everything explodes, but still only believing we've only lived once?

if there is no heaven or hell, i hope when i die i can look at all the christian nazis right in the fucking face and tell them how stupid they are. wasting all that time - that money - those wasted emotions and efforts are becoming a better person when really they missed out on living.

which brings me to another point: have i really even started living? do i have anything to be excited about? have i made enough risks? have i completed enough dares? have i told people i love them? have i told people i hated them? have i given hugs and thrown punches? have i forgotten and been forgiven?

xxxx