I wonder what it's going to be like in a couple of years.. when will I get my life in order.. or better yet- in order ENOUGH to be living in a house of my own.. will I ever? will I be able to finally unpack the boxes of my life and not have that small voice asking why I'm even bothering? am I destined to live the life of a young adult even when I'm more than willing to take the next big step?

sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself back for some ridiculous speculation that once letting myself move forward that I will no longer be able to retain a child-like blissful ignorance about my own life revolving around me. but with him, I see myself changing..

and in a side step- I look at my boyfriend of 6 months and am in awe of how we function together. my first serious relationship in YEARS and its just as weightless and amazing as the first day.. dreaming up future plans and actually following thru with them. a story with the end unwritten.

accepting love has been a foreign struggle for me but for once the love I'm sending out has been returning.

vulnerability has the ability to give me strength I never knew I had. for once I didn't have to fight for something that had an expiration date. all those guys I chased after.. the emotionally void - the unattainable - the down-and-out bad luck boys.. were they ever worth my time? chasing after emotionally vacant guys because I didn't have such an intimate relationship with my own father- I realize this now. but in so doing- I can accept the relationship at hand and move past it.

I am the cure to my own repetitiveness. who would've known taking the time to let my guard down would yield such a birth. a new beginning.

hand in hand- we dive in together.
xxxx